This is the part when I cry.

Ok so this is going to be a mostly short post. This is just one of those things I really want to document.

So crying....and how with almost 3 weeks on T it is difficult to do so. I heard about this with some other guys, but since I hadn't felt many emotional changes yet, I figured this just wouldn't be something that happened to me. And the lack of emotional changes still stands true. I still feel that knot in my throat, that burst of sorrow that usually comes right before the relief of tears. Except there are no tears, and there is no relief. Just the sorrow, and that knot, and if I do cry, it a few tears. Its funny because you never really think about what it is that you are doing when you are crying. There are tears that stream down your face as you may or may not vocalize sobbing sounds, your breath and heartbeat increase as well. You may shiver or shake. And its funny because besides the tears, its all there... it really is, but the tears, I guess they're important aren't they. Without crying, I'm turning more and more towards music that is providing me a similar form of relief. Thank goodness I have that.

Lets try this again: (Re) Introduction and first T shot

After nearly 2 and a half years of no posts, and the amount of changes since, I find it only approrpiate to write a reintroduction post.

Hello All,

My name is Lukas. I am still the original writer of this blog (even if the names/emails linked to it seem otherwise). You can see my brief description of myself on the left of the page. I am restarting this blog after a wonderful recommendation to document my transition via writing. I'm not sure where I left off or even what I wrote in my other posts, so I am going to write this with the assumption that you have not read previous posts. I am a trans guy in the beginning of my medical transition. This blog will likely focus on that, although I hope to incorporate some of my other interests into it.

It took me a very long time to get here. It was not an easy journey, and honestly, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I truly believe that the only way to learn about oneself is through experience. I was reluctant at first. I was scared to accept what my identity could mean to me and to my future. I was horrified of how it would affect those around me. Of how it would affect me. I tried to find every way around it. I sought new identities that I may use to attempt to hide who I truly was. I hid in identities of androgyny and bigender identification. I was scared. I wish I could say there was more to it. I wish I could say there was a deep dark reason for why I felt the need to hide it like this for so many years. But at the end of the day, it all comes down to that simple fact: I was scared.

Lets fast forward. Past that fear. About 5 years from when I started this blog. I am still scared of a lot of things. But I am no longer letting that fear hold me back. I am embracing it. I am letting that fear fuel me to new beginnings.

Two days ago I did my first T shot. And because I am a creature of fear, I was scared. I wasn't scared for any large reason that needs an introspective analysis or anything. I was honestly just a bit scared of sticking an inch and a half needle into my leg. Otherwise, I was excited. Enthused. I cannot find proper words to describe the amount of joy I felt that day. I could say it was a long process to get the T, but that's not entirely true. It felt like eternity, but it was only a one month process from my initial appointment until my first shot. It would have been shorter but the thanksgiving holidays had the doctor's office a little busy. I will write about my experience getting T and all those details in other post. This one is mostly meant for overview.

After some reluctance and some encouraging friends, I was finally able to stick the needle into my leg and inject myself with my first dose of a quarter cc of testosterone. It was surprisingly painless...the first few hours. After that it was really sore for about the next 24 hours. Although it is still sore, it is only slight at this point. I don't think I could have expected anything else, however. The human body usually doesn't like foreign intruders and oils with testosterone is definitely a foreign intruder.

Since it has only been two days since I started there aren't really any changes. Well not any changes for polite conversation. (I'll probably post non-polite updates occasionally). I'm excited that changes will eventually occur, but I know they will take quite a while. This is all the update for now.

WELCOME BACK! to all the previous readers (I think there were like 2 of you).

I truly do believe that I will be updating this blog regularly because it is really important to me to document this transition somehow. Also, I might need a place to rant occasionally once the emotional side effects of T kick in. So welcome to the blog. I hope you enjoy it. I will try to make it interesting :P

*poke poke*

Hello blogspot world (of invisible people who don't visit this page anyway)

Wow! It has been over half a year since I have even posted on this. I'm not even entirely sure how I let that happen. It has been the most interesting since months I've had in a very long time. Filled with ups and downs of all varieties it has definitely kept life entertaining. I can talk about a lot of things happening in my life but I feel like each of them deserves their own post. So I'll eventually get around to that. Life now is living in an apartment, being a college kid, looking for work. Watching my cats do entertaining things...and oh...have I mentioned my recently acquired S.O? A cisgender guy at that...which brings my identity into this new array of transhomo identity I never thought I'd even close to identify with...Yea..there's that but I'll get into that a bit more another (more sober) day. Things have been hard lately and it's dumb that things get so difficult sometimes but the one thing we must remember is that we are here. This is how things are right now, and at this very moment we can only change this or that. Everything else will have to wait. Everything else will take time. and that, that is completely ok. It's life. It is a journey, not a destination. And although my destination has been clearing from the clouds day after day. This is the journey I am on and I should enjoy it as well I can.

-Ly

P.S....Oh here's a picture of my cats...being ADORABLE...White one is Dexter... Gray one is Tardis :D  Because I can. and they don't judge :P

Fluidity: Sexuality, Orientation, and Preference

Ok that last post about me posting on here more often might have been a lie...Life has been overwhelming...blah blah blah...not really getting into that...anyways...onward to the post...


Over the past few months, people have been questioning my sexuality. If not questioning, then assuming. My entire life I have identified as liking girls. Although I was never fond of the term "lesbian". It is one that I eventually was coerced to use as a self identifying term. I prefer the word queer in general, and I prefer the word gay when referring to myself as a female person. For a brief moment i too questioned my sexuality. And then I didn't. That was that. I identified now as I identified then, so let me explain my situation (just because I haven't had the chance to explain it)

I have a male (both bodied and identified) friend. Over these past few months we have built a sexual and intimate relationship. Nothing more. Nothing less. What I mean by this is difficult to explain. (and thus will not) I will however outline that we are a lot more than friends with benefits and a tad less than in a committed relationship. He has always been an important aspect of my life. He has helped me emotionally, spiritually and mentally. It is beyond a doubt that he is a single most important individual in my life. That part has always been true and that part will never change

Sex. Ok the thing about sex is that different individuals have different reasons to share in the act. I'm not judging. I'm not saying your reasons are any less valid than mine, but let me explain a bit of my reasons with him. In my eyes, it is a physical representation of outstanding friendship, love (in any degree or form), and gratitude. Why do I even bother to mention this? Because in my eyes sexual preference or orientation is defined as preferring to have sex with one gender or the other. I prefer to have sex with women. That is that. If this one person in my life happens to be male, that doesn't change my preference or my orientation. It simply makes him that exception. Is that too hard to believe? That sexuality has exceptions? A very wise person told me once that "sexuality is fluid". Honestly, until this situation occurred I had NO idea what that statement even meant. But its true. Sexuality is as fluid as the sea... it isn't all black and white... I do not identify as bisexual or bicurious because of this one person. I identify as I have always identified, except now I understand that an exception is possible. I hope to open someones eyes to the fluidity of sexuality orientation ( no I do not identify as sexually fluid either :P)

judge me all you want.. .but i'm beyond caring what you think. I wanted to write more but am tired so the end

-Ly

I'm back.

I have disappeared off of this page and similar communities for a while now. I have given myself 10 months to introspect myself. Find out what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling this way. I have been having an identity crisis for nearly 3 years now. It seems so much longer. Through my crisis, through my journey. I have learned so much about myself. Through the battle, I have identified as so many different things. I never felt right in all and any of those identities. I've felt displaced and the world around me showed me that I had a reason to feel displaced. 

I isolated myself from the world except to a few people for those 10 months. That forced me to focus on nothing other than myself. For the longest time I had looked around me and at other people for the resources and the answers to my questions. For the longest time I focused on looking outside of myself to find the reasons and the solutions to my problems within. Now I have been able to focus within myself. I looked within and guess what? I found the answers. I have found what I am and who I am. I have found the security of my identity and it took so much work, and so much effort, and so much unwanted acceptance. But I found it. 

I am not a man. I am not a woman. I am not FtM or any other binary abiding label. Labels just group people with other people who choose to identify themselves in that group. 2 people can identify as the same thing but have no similarities in that aspect whatsoever. I am me. Just "me".  and I choose to express "me" freely. However, I am still looking for new ways to express myself. For ways to accurately represent how I feel. But this is such a minor issue. I have accomplished the impossible. I have found myself. On top of that I have learned to become comfortable with the newly found part of myself.

The impossibility of Working out in NCCC

I never thought It would be this difficult to find a place or a time to work out. Since I have no space of my own and I am utterly embarrassed about working out in front of people its just so difficult to find the time and the place or just anything >< . I miss public gyms because you can trap yourself in your own world and expect everyone else is the same. But in this small town the only gym around is the one open to the high school students I teach which is not exactly the best idea.

I'm going to try for the mornings. As much as I hate working out in the mornings my project this round requires no physical demand which sucks bad. My last project was so physically exhausting that I was just too tired to workout in the mornings before work. I tried a couple times and went back to bed. I'm going to try again this week. (or maybe the next). I'm missing my muscles aching and hurting ... Never thought I'd miss that!

Reflections

I wrote a post that I never actually posted last week. It was a short post about how I no longer see my reflection in the mirror and how I am not what I see anymore. This is what it read:

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection tonight. I never noticed how much I don’t look at my reflection. I don’t do it intentionally. It just happens. I brush my teeth and do my hair in the mornings without seeing myself… even though I’m looking directly at my image. It’s weird. I don’t see the same person I used to see anymore. I don’t understand. I don’t understand what has changed so dramatically…”

Last night I caught another glimpse of my reflection and this time I looked. I stared and I contemplated at what it was I was looking at in the mirror. I had my hair gelled back and I was wearing a collared polo. Bound and all, I looked at my face and I looked at my presence. Looked deeper than just what was staring me back from the mirror but looked through that to see the existence before it. I don’t know what changed. I don’t know what made my reflection different from last week. The reflection I saw now was that of a handsome individual. Something about this past week changed my reflection. I don’t know if it was the smile on my face that night or the happiness that I knew that I had the support of 10 people in my life. Shit. Maybe it was just the fact that belly dancer and hookah waitress treated me like a real guy…U know what… I don’t care to find out what it was that changed my reflection. I’m just so glad it did. I’m so glad that I’m happy and that right there makes such a big difference in, not just the way I see myself, but in the way I see the world :-)

-Ly