Fluidity: Sexuality, Orientation, and Preference

Ok that last post about me posting on here more often might have been a lie...Life has been overwhelming...blah blah blah...not really getting into that...anyways...onward to the post...


Over the past few months, people have been questioning my sexuality. If not questioning, then assuming. My entire life I have identified as liking girls. Although I was never fond of the term "lesbian". It is one that I eventually was coerced to use as a self identifying term. I prefer the word queer in general, and I prefer the word gay when referring to myself as a female person. For a brief moment i too questioned my sexuality. And then I didn't. That was that. I identified now as I identified then, so let me explain my situation (just because I haven't had the chance to explain it)

I have a male (both bodied and identified) friend. Over these past few months we have built a sexual and intimate relationship. Nothing more. Nothing less. What I mean by this is difficult to explain. (and thus will not) I will however outline that we are a lot more than friends with benefits and a tad less than in a committed relationship. He has always been an important aspect of my life. He has helped me emotionally, spiritually and mentally. It is beyond a doubt that he is a single most important individual in my life. That part has always been true and that part will never change

Sex. Ok the thing about sex is that different individuals have different reasons to share in the act. I'm not judging. I'm not saying your reasons are any less valid than mine, but let me explain a bit of my reasons with him. In my eyes, it is a physical representation of outstanding friendship, love (in any degree or form), and gratitude. Why do I even bother to mention this? Because in my eyes sexual preference or orientation is defined as preferring to have sex with one gender or the other. I prefer to have sex with women. That is that. If this one person in my life happens to be male, that doesn't change my preference or my orientation. It simply makes him that exception. Is that too hard to believe? That sexuality has exceptions? A very wise person told me once that "sexuality is fluid". Honestly, until this situation occurred I had NO idea what that statement even meant. But its true. Sexuality is as fluid as the sea... it isn't all black and white... I do not identify as bisexual or bicurious because of this one person. I identify as I have always identified, except now I understand that an exception is possible. I hope to open someones eyes to the fluidity of sexuality orientation ( no I do not identify as sexually fluid either :P)

judge me all you want.. .but i'm beyond caring what you think. I wanted to write more but am tired so the end

-Ly

I'm back.

I have disappeared off of this page and similar communities for a while now. I have given myself 10 months to introspect myself. Find out what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling this way. I have been having an identity crisis for nearly 3 years now. It seems so much longer. Through my crisis, through my journey. I have learned so much about myself. Through the battle, I have identified as so many different things. I never felt right in all and any of those identities. I've felt displaced and the world around me showed me that I had a reason to feel displaced. 

I isolated myself from the world except to a few people for those 10 months. That forced me to focus on nothing other than myself. For the longest time I had looked around me and at other people for the resources and the answers to my questions. For the longest time I focused on looking outside of myself to find the reasons and the solutions to my problems within. Now I have been able to focus within myself. I looked within and guess what? I found the answers. I have found what I am and who I am. I have found the security of my identity and it took so much work, and so much effort, and so much unwanted acceptance. But I found it. 

I am not a man. I am not a woman. I am not FtM or any other binary abiding label. Labels just group people with other people who choose to identify themselves in that group. 2 people can identify as the same thing but have no similarities in that aspect whatsoever. I am me. Just "me".  and I choose to express "me" freely. However, I am still looking for new ways to express myself. For ways to accurately represent how I feel. But this is such a minor issue. I have accomplished the impossible. I have found myself. On top of that I have learned to become comfortable with the newly found part of myself.

The impossibility of Working out in NCCC

I never thought It would be this difficult to find a place or a time to work out. Since I have no space of my own and I am utterly embarrassed about working out in front of people its just so difficult to find the time and the place or just anything >< . I miss public gyms because you can trap yourself in your own world and expect everyone else is the same. But in this small town the only gym around is the one open to the high school students I teach which is not exactly the best idea.

I'm going to try for the mornings. As much as I hate working out in the mornings my project this round requires no physical demand which sucks bad. My last project was so physically exhausting that I was just too tired to workout in the mornings before work. I tried a couple times and went back to bed. I'm going to try again this week. (or maybe the next). I'm missing my muscles aching and hurting ... Never thought I'd miss that!

Reflections

I wrote a post that I never actually posted last week. It was a short post about how I no longer see my reflection in the mirror and how I am not what I see anymore. This is what it read:

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection tonight. I never noticed how much I don’t look at my reflection. I don’t do it intentionally. It just happens. I brush my teeth and do my hair in the mornings without seeing myself… even though I’m looking directly at my image. It’s weird. I don’t see the same person I used to see anymore. I don’t understand. I don’t understand what has changed so dramatically…”

Last night I caught another glimpse of my reflection and this time I looked. I stared and I contemplated at what it was I was looking at in the mirror. I had my hair gelled back and I was wearing a collared polo. Bound and all, I looked at my face and I looked at my presence. Looked deeper than just what was staring me back from the mirror but looked through that to see the existence before it. I don’t know what changed. I don’t know what made my reflection different from last week. The reflection I saw now was that of a handsome individual. Something about this past week changed my reflection. I don’t know if it was the smile on my face that night or the happiness that I knew that I had the support of 10 people in my life. Shit. Maybe it was just the fact that belly dancer and hookah waitress treated me like a real guy…U know what… I don’t care to find out what it was that changed my reflection. I’m just so glad it did. I’m so glad that I’m happy and that right there makes such a big difference in, not just the way I see myself, but in the way I see the world :-)

-Ly

So after a great amount of thinking over things and a few trial and errors, i decided to maintain a daily DHEA intake of 25mg. I don't feel a dependency off of the DHEA but i do feel the ability to function more emotionally. My emotional stability has been my biggest issue since before all of this started, and it continues to be the issue of priority to me

Do not post

No clue on what my options are. I need someone to speak to! But how is this even possible??? Why am I even here trying to figure this shit out? What’s wrong with me? Why did I put myself in this situation? (><) Every day the laughter around me represents some sort of fallacy in my heart. My work is beginning to be so mindless and although I love it, the thoughts racing in my mind are beginning to make is nearly unbearable. Numbness prevails in my soul and leaks into my body. I’m not a boy! I tell myself this everyday but slowly I’m crossing the line out of feminine identity yet not into masculine identity and I find myself stuck somewhere in between; A gender freak of nothing yet everything in between and outside those lines. This isn’t something I have to figure out now, so why is it loitering in my mind as if it is the only part of me that bears importance or as if it the only portion that creates me? When did this go from something that was just “happening” to something that is slowly but surely becoming a burden in my day-to-day activities? Silence. I wish someone cared. I miss the people who cared. I miss the people who understood.

End :/

After a long argument with myself I have decided that it is in my best interest to no longer continue my natural transitioning process : /. I’m scared… I’m freaking out about everything right now and I think it’s best to have patience and just let things stand still… possibly revisit the idea in the future. Possibly not. I’m putting away my bottle of what now is 50 mg of DHEA under my bed :/ (this upsets me cuz it’s a brand new bottle) I know I will feel the need to take DHEA every now and then ( as I mentioned in a previous post it just makes me feel good :)) so in those situations I have agreed to take half of a 25mg DHEA pill. I will continue to take the health supplements such as the milk thistle and flaxseed oil because, in all reality, it’s good for anyone to take. I plan to begin working out more and my workout plans will not change due to the decision I have made. I will continue to leave soy out of my diet because I feel healthier doing so. I guess…it’s the DHEA… anyone who has read Tristan’s NT book knows that it is indeed one of the most potent pills in the book (besides the Estrogen blockers which I didn’t take )

I just don’t want to make permanent damage. I hope to revisit the idea of seeing a counselor after I am done with my travels…but the idea still freaks me the fuck out. Life is a beautiful thing…permanence in life however is scary and we have to make sure we are 100% before anything “permanent” gets done.

But remember

The only thing permanent in life is change.

It all sounds like technicalities for me right now. Do “this” you will get “that” … I wish life could be so much easier I wish things could be a little more black and white. I’ve always lived my life in this gray area and it makes everything so difficult. I hate this! People (for whatever reason) think that I enjoy living my life as this “alternative lifestyle” whatever the fuck that means. I want a normal life but it seems to be a conflict of interest. :/ whatever. I’m starting not to care about so many things :/