(Genderqueer in Americorps):"Are you a boy or a girl?

The words and phrases that used to give me so much satisfaction. The ones that used to tell me that I was just me and not living within these binaries of gender. The same words that used to make me smile, are now the words I dread. As I move deeper into my androgynous form, I hear these words so often sometimes even up to 5 times a day. At the airport, people stumble upon their "Sir"s and "Ma'm"s. I get stopped entering bathrooms, and get stared at when I make it in without difficulty. When did this go from being my goal, to being that which I dread everyday?

Ironic, some say, are my goals. For my gender expression will attract attention to me, and I know this. But the attention isn't my goal. The attention is more like a bad side effect, like when you take medicine. Another goal of mine, however, is to immerse myself in my surroundings. All in all, to just blend in. I want to be the one that no one really notices right now. I want to be just another person. Usually, that's not a problem, but then there are those instances. Oh yes... those instances, where all eyes are on me... Even if all those eyes are 5 years old.

Today I volunteered at an elementary school. We helped the kids paint some banners that are hung throughout the school. In the morning we had grades 4 and 3 followed by grade 2 right after lunch. To them I was just another "grown up" helping them with their work. I know at that age kids are more consumed in themselves then in what's going on around them...thank god. Unfortunately, grade 1 (Yes the ones right out of kindergarten..yea...those :)) always tend to be more aware of their surroundings. They are in the stage of asking questions. The question the world around them, and apparently, ... they question me.

2 little girls whisper to each other. They see past you, and you know it. "Are you a boy or a girl?" they ask. I think young children are the most aware ones around. I hated my answer to that question... but I was at work "I am a girl," I responded, but they continued to question me. It's funny and its cute. They started talking about my hair and how I didn't look like a girl I looked like a boy. It hurt tho. Not what they said, but what I had to say.

"I am at work. I live at work." I tell myself that every morning and every night. These next 10 months are not about me, but about them. I'm afraid to focus too much on all of this which is part of me, because we should be focusing on them right now.

These next 10 months are not about me. I mean that, but it is so hard to not make it a little about me, to use this time to work on myself...I do express myself as more feminine than usual (A LOT more feminine) but that is part of my blending in. This isn't one of those things that are deep and will continue to haunt me...but its just something that needed to be said

Failed attempts towards contradiction

In an attempt to become what I found it neccesary to be, I found myself becoming everything which I have been fighting against and found my definition of my gender to be contradicting within itself. Being "one of the guys" has now come to mean that I am becoming one of "them" and that I have attempted and am currently attempting to fit into the socially created binary. With all of this, we all know that as society expects us to fit into the binaries , we expect ourselves to find a place in this world where we fit in and have a community. Since most of the society is, in fact, part of the cisgender community, we see that we attempt to fit into the binaries to fit into that community. So until we can see and become part of the community of our queer brothers, sisters, and all inbetween, we will never truly become what we TRULY mean to be.

ze, zir, hir, zhim

I simply don't understand the use of gender neutral pronouns like this. I don't have anything against it, I've just never seen or heard anyone actually use them

I copied the table below from Wikipedia just in case people have no idea what i'm talking about. I personally think it would be interesting to hear people use these pronouns in day to day conversation.

	Nominative (subject)	Objective (object)	Possessive determiner	Possessive pronoun	Reflexive
Invented pronouns
Ne (pronounced like "me")	Ne laughed	I called nir	Nir eyes gleam	That is nirs	Ne likes nyself
Spivak (old)	E laughed	I called em	Eir eyes gleam	That is eirs	E likes eirself
Spivak (new)[20]	Ey laughed	I called em	Eir eyes gleam	That is eirs	Ey likes emself
Humanist[21]	Hu laughed	I called hum	Hus eyes gleam	That is hus	Hu likes humself
Hy	Hy laughed	I called hym	Hys eyes gleam	That is hys	Hy likes hymself
Ot	Ot laughed	I called ot	Ots eyes gleam	That is ots	Ot likes otself
Yt	Yt laughed	I called yt	Yts eyes gleam	That is yts	Yt likes ytself
Thon[22]	Thon laughed	I called thon	Thons eyes gleam	That is thons	Thon likes thonself
Ve[23]	Ve laughed	I called ver	Vis eyes gleam	That is vis	Ve likes verself
Xe[24]	Xe laughed	I called xem	Xyr eyes gleam	That is xyrs	Xe likes xemself
Ze (or zie or sie) and zir[25]	Ze laughed	I called zir/zem	Zir/Zes eyes gleam	That is zirs/zes	Ze likes zirself
Ze (or zie or sie) and hir[26]	Ze laughed	I called hir	Hir eyes gleam	That is hirs	Ze likes hirself
Ze and mer[27]	Ze laughed	I called mer	Zer eyes gleam	That is zers	Ze likes zemself
Zhe, Zher, Zhim[28]	Zhe laughed	I called zhim	Zher eyes gleam	That is zhers	Zhe likes zhimself
En	En laughed	I called en	Ens eyes gleam	That is ens	En likes enself
Co	Co laughed	I called co	Co's eyes gleam	That is co's	Co likes coself
Phe	Phe laughed	I called Phe	Phe′s eyes gleam	That is Phe′s	Phe likes Phesself
Per(son)	Per laughed	I called per	pers eyes gleam	That is pers	Per likes perself

A poem by my s.o

So my girlfriend that I discussed in one of my other posts put a comment on something. It was a poem she wrote and I absolutely loved it. I thought I'd post it up here. It shows how far she is moving towards her acceptance. I added color since I thought it would emphasize the poem.

------------

Once Upon a time there was a color.
Her name was Blue.
She was sad sometimes.
But a very pretty Cloudy blue.

She met another Color named Yellow.
Bright and sunny!
One day they met.
They Loved each other from the beginning.

But one day yellow got a feeling that
Blue was hiding something.
Secretly.... Blue wanted to be green.
Yellow could not understand why she wanted to
be green! Blue was such a pretty Color, and yellow could not see her as anything other then blue.
But the more yellow blended with blue, the more green came out. Green was confident, green was happy. And if they work together, and supported each other, the more prettier the green became.

In the end, we are all just colors...blue..yellow...green...even red! As long as we love each other, and blend well, it doesn't matter what color you are!!


<3

Filled with Happiness

So an SO(Significant Other) and I have been having some trouble lately and one of the reasons we've been having a lot of trouble is because i'm bigender. But last night she said something that made me so happy. It was the act of her trying to understand me. She said how in her Sexual Psychology class they are studying gender issues right now and she starting asking me questions about my identification. This is probably the first time she's acknowledged my bigender identity as, well, an identity, and not a disorder. This is such a big step for her, and such a big step for us. I hope that she continues to try and understand everything instead of closing herself in a box like she did in the past. And, similarly, I hope to gain understanding of myself instead of enclosing myself with the idea that I cannot change who I am. I can change... i'm not talking changing my gender identity, but changing the negative values for both and either of my identities :)

Another little update: Disney

So I applied to the Disney College Program in Orlando, Florida. I took the web-based interview, then took the phone interview and everything went ok (i'd say it went excellent but I was so nervous) I got a status pending on the 15th of February and now I'm waiting. This wait is such a drag, so many people got their acceptance envelopes and I haven't gotten a thing. Here's hoping for the best.

Dysphoria

It is a thought. A beautiful one to a lot of us, that creates us. A thought of creation. A thought to become a better match. Not to anyone else, but to ourselves. This is my first semester of college, and as most people in college, I have began to explore everything which can create me. Unfortunately, in discovering everything that is better, everything which is not that causes discomfort. Kind of like a drug. I want the best of what I can have. When you know everything that something can be, you want that everything. Only a little isn't sufficient. I've been dealing with dysphoria so much lately. to the point where i almost had a panic attack a couple nights ago. I'm fine now though and it all seems so weird to me. I guess i'm still in the process of figuring everything out which causes me to embrace what I've been missing out on. When i become completely comfortable with my dysphoria is when I am able to present myself as my bio-gender. Usually I feel most comfortable as a male. I swear sometimes I wish I was biomale and presented as female when I called for it. Unfortunately that is the exact opposite of my case. I am so confused as to who I am or how I want to continue living. Right now i'm living day to day with whatever is most comfortable for that particular situation.

Peace and Love to everyone out there. I hope your confusion to whatever your situation may be is less than mine.