drowning in confusion

I have been drowning in an overpowering confusion that I have been speaking of for so long now...why do I feel as if tape has been placed over my mouth. I cannot speak of this. It feels so forbidden. I'm afraid that they may hate me... or that they may not understand. But when I say "they" who do I speak of? I think many times, when I say "they" I subconsciously mean myself. I honestly don't care of anyones disapproval right now. I feel like i'm stuck in the middle right now, even though I don't wanna be...every time I cross a line or try to cross a line to one gender or another I FREAK and slowly move the other way until i'm in the middle again. I don't understand. I was never like this and my life was never like this. What was it that changed that created this confusion. I put things on here as I notice them. So this is, all in all, a chronological diary of my mind O.o... seems so strange to have this out and open like this but I dont care... if anyone is out in the world who may be able to help me i'm up for it

can't I be invisible again?