:(? Americorps, Counseling, and other junk

I set up the appointment with Melissa last week. I was excited. I finally get to talk to a counselor. Unfortunately, after planning my financial budget I realized that I can't afford even her ( she is really cheap). So now I have to cancel :( I'm upset, but at the same time, I don't think i'm ready. Something tells me that the moment I have my appointment my mind will blank... as it usually does. I think I will use my resources at hand. I don't want to drive my Americorps team leader into all of this, but I have a feeling it will end up there anyways. I plan to talk to the counselor at americorps when I return to campus in hope for further resources. I feel at a loss.

I also realized today what my recent dysphoria might be a result of. It's the small things I never noticed I did before. I am now living my life as solely female. Before this, in school, I was living as both female and male. Binding when I felt the need and dressing up when I felt female. I can honestly say that although I NEVER wear makeup anymore. My mind is set in a stage where I must always be female. I prepared for this long before I got here but I never realized it would be this difficult. Somethings are better left unsaid. There are so many things I wish were better left undone. Unfortunately, leaving them undone is the issue now. I think once I go back to Denver and wear some of my male clothes out and about everything will be much better. I'm so sure of it.