Fluidity: Sexuality, Orientation, and Preference

Ok that last post about me posting on here more often might have been a lie...Life has been overwhelming...blah blah blah...not really getting into that...anyways...onward to the post...


Over the past few months, people have been questioning my sexuality. If not questioning, then assuming. My entire life I have identified as liking girls. Although I was never fond of the term "lesbian". It is one that I eventually was coerced to use as a self identifying term. I prefer the word queer in general, and I prefer the word gay when referring to myself as a female person. For a brief moment i too questioned my sexuality. And then I didn't. That was that. I identified now as I identified then, so let me explain my situation (just because I haven't had the chance to explain it)

I have a male (both bodied and identified) friend. Over these past few months we have built a sexual and intimate relationship. Nothing more. Nothing less. What I mean by this is difficult to explain. (and thus will not) I will however outline that we are a lot more than friends with benefits and a tad less than in a committed relationship. He has always been an important aspect of my life. He has helped me emotionally, spiritually and mentally. It is beyond a doubt that he is a single most important individual in my life. That part has always been true and that part will never change

Sex. Ok the thing about sex is that different individuals have different reasons to share in the act. I'm not judging. I'm not saying your reasons are any less valid than mine, but let me explain a bit of my reasons with him. In my eyes, it is a physical representation of outstanding friendship, love (in any degree or form), and gratitude. Why do I even bother to mention this? Because in my eyes sexual preference or orientation is defined as preferring to have sex with one gender or the other. I prefer to have sex with women. That is that. If this one person in my life happens to be male, that doesn't change my preference or my orientation. It simply makes him that exception. Is that too hard to believe? That sexuality has exceptions? A very wise person told me once that "sexuality is fluid". Honestly, until this situation occurred I had NO idea what that statement even meant. But its true. Sexuality is as fluid as the sea... it isn't all black and white... I do not identify as bisexual or bicurious because of this one person. I identify as I have always identified, except now I understand that an exception is possible. I hope to open someones eyes to the fluidity of sexuality orientation ( no I do not identify as sexually fluid either :P)

judge me all you want.. .but i'm beyond caring what you think. I wanted to write more but am tired so the end

-Ly

I'm back.

I have disappeared off of this page and similar communities for a while now. I have given myself 10 months to introspect myself. Find out what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling this way. I have been having an identity crisis for nearly 3 years now. It seems so much longer. Through my crisis, through my journey. I have learned so much about myself. Through the battle, I have identified as so many different things. I never felt right in all and any of those identities. I've felt displaced and the world around me showed me that I had a reason to feel displaced. 

I isolated myself from the world except to a few people for those 10 months. That forced me to focus on nothing other than myself. For the longest time I had looked around me and at other people for the resources and the answers to my questions. For the longest time I focused on looking outside of myself to find the reasons and the solutions to my problems within. Now I have been able to focus within myself. I looked within and guess what? I found the answers. I have found what I am and who I am. I have found the security of my identity and it took so much work, and so much effort, and so much unwanted acceptance. But I found it. 

I am not a man. I am not a woman. I am not FtM or any other binary abiding label. Labels just group people with other people who choose to identify themselves in that group. 2 people can identify as the same thing but have no similarities in that aspect whatsoever. I am me. Just "me".  and I choose to express "me" freely. However, I am still looking for new ways to express myself. For ways to accurately represent how I feel. But this is such a minor issue. I have accomplished the impossible. I have found myself. On top of that I have learned to become comfortable with the newly found part of myself.

The impossibility of Working out in NCCC

I never thought It would be this difficult to find a place or a time to work out. Since I have no space of my own and I am utterly embarrassed about working out in front of people its just so difficult to find the time and the place or just anything >< . I miss public gyms because you can trap yourself in your own world and expect everyone else is the same. But in this small town the only gym around is the one open to the high school students I teach which is not exactly the best idea.

I'm going to try for the mornings. As much as I hate working out in the mornings my project this round requires no physical demand which sucks bad. My last project was so physically exhausting that I was just too tired to workout in the mornings before work. I tried a couple times and went back to bed. I'm going to try again this week. (or maybe the next). I'm missing my muscles aching and hurting ... Never thought I'd miss that!

Reflections

I wrote a post that I never actually posted last week. It was a short post about how I no longer see my reflection in the mirror and how I am not what I see anymore. This is what it read:

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection tonight. I never noticed how much I don’t look at my reflection. I don’t do it intentionally. It just happens. I brush my teeth and do my hair in the mornings without seeing myself… even though I’m looking directly at my image. It’s weird. I don’t see the same person I used to see anymore. I don’t understand. I don’t understand what has changed so dramatically…”

Last night I caught another glimpse of my reflection and this time I looked. I stared and I contemplated at what it was I was looking at in the mirror. I had my hair gelled back and I was wearing a collared polo. Bound and all, I looked at my face and I looked at my presence. Looked deeper than just what was staring me back from the mirror but looked through that to see the existence before it. I don’t know what changed. I don’t know what made my reflection different from last week. The reflection I saw now was that of a handsome individual. Something about this past week changed my reflection. I don’t know if it was the smile on my face that night or the happiness that I knew that I had the support of 10 people in my life. Shit. Maybe it was just the fact that belly dancer and hookah waitress treated me like a real guy…U know what… I don’t care to find out what it was that changed my reflection. I’m just so glad it did. I’m so glad that I’m happy and that right there makes such a big difference in, not just the way I see myself, but in the way I see the world :-)

-Ly

So after a great amount of thinking over things and a few trial and errors, i decided to maintain a daily DHEA intake of 25mg. I don't feel a dependency off of the DHEA but i do feel the ability to function more emotionally. My emotional stability has been my biggest issue since before all of this started, and it continues to be the issue of priority to me

Do not post

No clue on what my options are. I need someone to speak to! But how is this even possible??? Why am I even here trying to figure this shit out? What’s wrong with me? Why did I put myself in this situation? (><) Every day the laughter around me represents some sort of fallacy in my heart. My work is beginning to be so mindless and although I love it, the thoughts racing in my mind are beginning to make is nearly unbearable. Numbness prevails in my soul and leaks into my body. I’m not a boy! I tell myself this everyday but slowly I’m crossing the line out of feminine identity yet not into masculine identity and I find myself stuck somewhere in between; A gender freak of nothing yet everything in between and outside those lines. This isn’t something I have to figure out now, so why is it loitering in my mind as if it is the only part of me that bears importance or as if it the only portion that creates me? When did this go from something that was just “happening” to something that is slowly but surely becoming a burden in my day-to-day activities? Silence. I wish someone cared. I miss the people who cared. I miss the people who understood.

End :/

After a long argument with myself I have decided that it is in my best interest to no longer continue my natural transitioning process : /. I’m scared… I’m freaking out about everything right now and I think it’s best to have patience and just let things stand still… possibly revisit the idea in the future. Possibly not. I’m putting away my bottle of what now is 50 mg of DHEA under my bed :/ (this upsets me cuz it’s a brand new bottle) I know I will feel the need to take DHEA every now and then ( as I mentioned in a previous post it just makes me feel good :)) so in those situations I have agreed to take half of a 25mg DHEA pill. I will continue to take the health supplements such as the milk thistle and flaxseed oil because, in all reality, it’s good for anyone to take. I plan to begin working out more and my workout plans will not change due to the decision I have made. I will continue to leave soy out of my diet because I feel healthier doing so. I guess…it’s the DHEA… anyone who has read Tristan’s NT book knows that it is indeed one of the most potent pills in the book (besides the Estrogen blockers which I didn’t take )

I just don’t want to make permanent damage. I hope to revisit the idea of seeing a counselor after I am done with my travels…but the idea still freaks me the fuck out. Life is a beautiful thing…permanence in life however is scary and we have to make sure we are 100% before anything “permanent” gets done.

But remember

The only thing permanent in life is change.

It all sounds like technicalities for me right now. Do “this” you will get “that” … I wish life could be so much easier I wish things could be a little more black and white. I’ve always lived my life in this gray area and it makes everything so difficult. I hate this! People (for whatever reason) think that I enjoy living my life as this “alternative lifestyle” whatever the fuck that means. I want a normal life but it seems to be a conflict of interest. :/ whatever. I’m starting not to care about so many things :/

Soy limits!

I have successfully established and began a new lifestyle change! I have limited my amount of soy intake. Why? Because according to my (short but in depth) research soy introduces a large amount of isoflavones to the human body. Isoflavones( in short) are a phytoestrogen. Pretty much... I don't want it. Also, my body has always had a difficult time digesting soy. It always led to terrible stomach pain or various trips to the bathroom. So i've cut out everything that is unfermented soy (this includes soy milk, tofu, and texturized soy protein)or anything that has soy products in the top 3 ingredients. --soy sauce is fermented thank god so it provides less isoflavones -- Unfortunately, this has led my diet to become very VERY limited. I'm still learning on how to do this appropriately but I have been feeling a lot better without the soy in my diet.

I can honestly say i'm doing it more for my health than for the isoflavones that will probably not have a large effect in my estrogen balance. But it's a nice thought... well i'm super tired and this post will probably not make sense in the morning but its all ok :)

have a very great saturday

Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial

The thoughts in the following post will not be complete. Honestly I'm still stricken. As I may (or may not) have mentioned I have stationed in Oklahoma city. I saw the memorial dedicated to the bombing that occurred April 19, 1995. I feel like growing up I should have heard about this occurrence. I, however, feel ignorant that this is my first time coming in contacts with the history of this event. Words cannot describe the energy that fills the aura of the building. Words cannot describe the humbleness that occurs to the spirit after visiting such a place. I shall pray tonight for the souls lost and the ones injured. Praise to those or that in which you believe ( or yourself if there is nothing you believe) if you have not been through such horror. And if you have... you are a survivor...embellish in that.


end

What did I do?

Don't know where else to post this. People are mad at me... I think... But they won't tell me :/ Have you ever felt that you messed up terribly but don't know how? worst feeling in the world







I hope you know i'm speaking of you :/

The OTHER closet

So in recent events I have come out to 2 of my teammates recently. Let me explain my situation so you understand why this is a big deal

In Americorps NCCC I eat, sleep, work, live, and spend literally every hour with my team. Although it can be difficult, it’s what I signed up for. Generally, I was out when it came to my gender identity back home. But here I feel like if I burn these bridges, I’ll be stuck trying to walk across them for the next 9 months.

So my 2 teammates, Cat and Amanda were outside with me and it pretty much came up in conversation. “I’m trying to figure out some stuff by the end of Americorps.” Their curiosity led to questioning and after a long contemplation under the moon- and starlight, I decided to come out to them.

They didn’t react how I expected. In all honestly, I think that they didn’t understand. I think that I expected either hatred or understanding. When I got confusion, I was baffled. It was a great relief to get that off my chest. To know that I was not hated. And that I now had these 2 people I can talk to. But at the same time I know they have issues of their own and I can’t use them as vents like friends back home. They’re not that close. Ever since I came out to them my mind has been racing. I feel like they’re opinion of me has changed but I don’t know. I need to talk to them again. There are still 7 individuals in this team that know nothing of me. I’m trying to make the appropriate conscious decision of what to do with this situation. Hmmm…I want to tell them because I feel like only these individuals can help me feel more comfortable by watching what they say or what they do around me. But then again…would they even be willing? We have a 7:3 girl to guy ratio... most, if not all of those girls, are feminists… and I don’t know if anyone here has ever dealt with trying to explain transgenderism to a feminist, but let’s just say it never really goes well. Well off to bed. Let us see how this goes.

**Not admitting self-defeat**

So it’s become a thing now; Trying to fight against myself to prove myself right. Although I end up proving myself wrong in the end. My recent dysphoria has caused me to reexamine my values. It’s caused me to rewrite my goals. I don’t understand why though. I don’t understand so much of what has been going on. Why does everything seem to be so simple around me. They wake up, they workout, go to work, come back and sleep. They do the activities they have to do then they play a game or two. The entire time it seems like not one thought crosses their mind. I understand by being in americorps I have put my life on pause. But why does it feel like I am required to pause my mind : /
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disability in transqueer men (or watever) also is a difficult endeavor. This isn’t randomly put in here. It directly relates to me rewriting my goals, reexamining my values. Today I had a wonderful day at work : ) worked for habitat for humanity. But I always felt the need to one-up everyone (as I usually do with anything). I felt the urge to prove my transmasculine identity to myself. No one around me neither knows about nor expects said identity, but I feel that need to be able to tell myself that I am indeed “one of the guys”. Those people around me see it as a strength thing. I must prove that I am stronger than they are. However, to me it is entirely different; More of a power thing. My disability doesn’t help with this at all, but hiding both of these things simultaneously makes it a competition against myself. I "need" to be a stronger individual and accomplish all of what the other guys can, but at the same time I am EXTREMELY limited compared to them. I am just as strong but ... I guess this is just a competition for myself in all honesty. I can do a lot more than most of the females here, but I can't work as long. I wish there was something I can do. Everyone around me is getting angry and frustrated at me. They think i'm just lazy. I wish I could say something.

**Not admitting self-defeat**

Shhhh… (poem)

By L. Monjaras

I feel like I should care sooo much.
But in all honesty, I just don’t.
I close my eyes dreaming of what I could be
dreaming of what I wish I’d be able to be.
I open my eyes realizing that the latter
would create enemies and fiends
out of those my heart is near.

Shhhh….

I shall never speak the words
that create of me.
A liar?
That will create of me
the enemy.

Shhh…

Stillness has never been so threatening
The whisper of your soul could calm my mind
And everything I know would be enlightening
If only I had sanity and time.

The star dangling by my neck
Tells me there’s something to believe
Tells me there’s something to get me out of it
Or get me in here just too deep

Shhh….

Stop whispering
Listen to the words of recognition
Listen to Her messages in the wind
Tell me that in all of this I LIE

Shhh…

Off to Oklahoma City (DHEA and bodily balance)

Well I'm off to OK city after a long while of not posting anything. I may not have internet where I'm headed to, so postings may be minimal for a while. I had one follower wanting me to post something on here. To be honest I haven't had much going on, but here's a thought that has been brewing about recognizing our bodies.

There is so much thought out there on recognizing what is wrong with our bodies and/or what is making us sick (in general). We can relate the things we consume, our daily activities, or other factors and figure out why we feel sick or why we are not doing as well as we thought we were. If we do good things we feel good. If we do bad things we feel bad. When it comes to health it generally goes that way. But sometimes we do things that, by most individuals, are categorized as bad things to do to your body. Scientific results have shown that to the average individual, doing such things are indeed bad and will make you feel bad. But you do those things and you realize you feel so much better than you started off at. You feel like this is what your body was missing to feel better. You stop and you feel bad, not worse than when you started off, but just bad enough to realize you could be so much better.

Let us get more specific to what I'm referring to for about the past 3-4 months I have been taking DHEA. DHEA is commonly taken by many trans/queer men to raise testosterone levels. As I said previously results from many scientific papers I've read show that taking DHEA will pretty much (in lamest terms) fuck you up. But after taking it for those 3-4 months the only thing I've noticed is that I feel a lot better. I have so much more energy and i have a lot less pain (i'm disabled by pain, so that was a big deal for me). Not only the physical aspects tho, but the mental and emotional aspects are also better. I'm able to think more thoroughly and accurately. My thought processes are now allowing me to articulate things a lot better. Emotionally I feel much more stable. My anger issues have gone down and I feel like I can channel my emotions better. But I don't understand. Everything that i've read and everything that I know tells me that all of those things should be opposite. Heightened testosterone should cause anger issues, scattered thoughts, weird emotions. I feel like by doing this I have begun to balance myself.

I stopped taking DHEA last month. Not for any reason, it just happened. I will definatly start taking it again for the reason that i'm starting to feel my anger come back and i'm starting to feel...well terrible... just like how I did before the DHEA. It's funny. I thought I was just fucked up having those things wrong with me...but now, being balanced. I don't I feel like this is how my body was supposed to be to begin with. The DHEA isn't breaking me, its fixing something that was broken.

Well that is the brewing thought of the week. I'll see if I can post a little something else this week :)