Soy limits!

I have successfully established and began a new lifestyle change! I have limited my amount of soy intake. Why? Because according to my (short but in depth) research soy introduces a large amount of isoflavones to the human body. Isoflavones( in short) are a phytoestrogen. Pretty much... I don't want it. Also, my body has always had a difficult time digesting soy. It always led to terrible stomach pain or various trips to the bathroom. So i've cut out everything that is unfermented soy (this includes soy milk, tofu, and texturized soy protein)or anything that has soy products in the top 3 ingredients. --soy sauce is fermented thank god so it provides less isoflavones -- Unfortunately, this has led my diet to become very VERY limited. I'm still learning on how to do this appropriately but I have been feeling a lot better without the soy in my diet.

I can honestly say i'm doing it more for my health than for the isoflavones that will probably not have a large effect in my estrogen balance. But it's a nice thought... well i'm super tired and this post will probably not make sense in the morning but its all ok :)

have a very great saturday

Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial

The thoughts in the following post will not be complete. Honestly I'm still stricken. As I may (or may not) have mentioned I have stationed in Oklahoma city. I saw the memorial dedicated to the bombing that occurred April 19, 1995. I feel like growing up I should have heard about this occurrence. I, however, feel ignorant that this is my first time coming in contacts with the history of this event. Words cannot describe the energy that fills the aura of the building. Words cannot describe the humbleness that occurs to the spirit after visiting such a place. I shall pray tonight for the souls lost and the ones injured. Praise to those or that in which you believe ( or yourself if there is nothing you believe) if you have not been through such horror. And if you have... you are a survivor...embellish in that.


end

What did I do?

Don't know where else to post this. People are mad at me... I think... But they won't tell me :/ Have you ever felt that you messed up terribly but don't know how? worst feeling in the world







I hope you know i'm speaking of you :/

The OTHER closet

So in recent events I have come out to 2 of my teammates recently. Let me explain my situation so you understand why this is a big deal

In Americorps NCCC I eat, sleep, work, live, and spend literally every hour with my team. Although it can be difficult, it’s what I signed up for. Generally, I was out when it came to my gender identity back home. But here I feel like if I burn these bridges, I’ll be stuck trying to walk across them for the next 9 months.

So my 2 teammates, Cat and Amanda were outside with me and it pretty much came up in conversation. “I’m trying to figure out some stuff by the end of Americorps.” Their curiosity led to questioning and after a long contemplation under the moon- and starlight, I decided to come out to them.

They didn’t react how I expected. In all honestly, I think that they didn’t understand. I think that I expected either hatred or understanding. When I got confusion, I was baffled. It was a great relief to get that off my chest. To know that I was not hated. And that I now had these 2 people I can talk to. But at the same time I know they have issues of their own and I can’t use them as vents like friends back home. They’re not that close. Ever since I came out to them my mind has been racing. I feel like they’re opinion of me has changed but I don’t know. I need to talk to them again. There are still 7 individuals in this team that know nothing of me. I’m trying to make the appropriate conscious decision of what to do with this situation. Hmmm…I want to tell them because I feel like only these individuals can help me feel more comfortable by watching what they say or what they do around me. But then again…would they even be willing? We have a 7:3 girl to guy ratio... most, if not all of those girls, are feminists… and I don’t know if anyone here has ever dealt with trying to explain transgenderism to a feminist, but let’s just say it never really goes well. Well off to bed. Let us see how this goes.

**Not admitting self-defeat**

So it’s become a thing now; Trying to fight against myself to prove myself right. Although I end up proving myself wrong in the end. My recent dysphoria has caused me to reexamine my values. It’s caused me to rewrite my goals. I don’t understand why though. I don’t understand so much of what has been going on. Why does everything seem to be so simple around me. They wake up, they workout, go to work, come back and sleep. They do the activities they have to do then they play a game or two. The entire time it seems like not one thought crosses their mind. I understand by being in americorps I have put my life on pause. But why does it feel like I am required to pause my mind : /
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Disability in transqueer men (or watever) also is a difficult endeavor. This isn’t randomly put in here. It directly relates to me rewriting my goals, reexamining my values. Today I had a wonderful day at work : ) worked for habitat for humanity. But I always felt the need to one-up everyone (as I usually do with anything). I felt the urge to prove my transmasculine identity to myself. No one around me neither knows about nor expects said identity, but I feel that need to be able to tell myself that I am indeed “one of the guys”. Those people around me see it as a strength thing. I must prove that I am stronger than they are. However, to me it is entirely different; More of a power thing. My disability doesn’t help with this at all, but hiding both of these things simultaneously makes it a competition against myself. I "need" to be a stronger individual and accomplish all of what the other guys can, but at the same time I am EXTREMELY limited compared to them. I am just as strong but ... I guess this is just a competition for myself in all honesty. I can do a lot more than most of the females here, but I can't work as long. I wish there was something I can do. Everyone around me is getting angry and frustrated at me. They think i'm just lazy. I wish I could say something.

**Not admitting self-defeat**

Shhhh… (poem)

By L. Monjaras

I feel like I should care sooo much.
But in all honesty, I just don’t.
I close my eyes dreaming of what I could be
dreaming of what I wish I’d be able to be.
I open my eyes realizing that the latter
would create enemies and fiends
out of those my heart is near.

Shhhh….

I shall never speak the words
that create of me.
A liar?
That will create of me
the enemy.

Shhh…

Stillness has never been so threatening
The whisper of your soul could calm my mind
And everything I know would be enlightening
If only I had sanity and time.

The star dangling by my neck
Tells me there’s something to believe
Tells me there’s something to get me out of it
Or get me in here just too deep

Shhh….

Stop whispering
Listen to the words of recognition
Listen to Her messages in the wind
Tell me that in all of this I LIE

Shhh…

Off to Oklahoma City (DHEA and bodily balance)

Well I'm off to OK city after a long while of not posting anything. I may not have internet where I'm headed to, so postings may be minimal for a while. I had one follower wanting me to post something on here. To be honest I haven't had much going on, but here's a thought that has been brewing about recognizing our bodies.

There is so much thought out there on recognizing what is wrong with our bodies and/or what is making us sick (in general). We can relate the things we consume, our daily activities, or other factors and figure out why we feel sick or why we are not doing as well as we thought we were. If we do good things we feel good. If we do bad things we feel bad. When it comes to health it generally goes that way. But sometimes we do things that, by most individuals, are categorized as bad things to do to your body. Scientific results have shown that to the average individual, doing such things are indeed bad and will make you feel bad. But you do those things and you realize you feel so much better than you started off at. You feel like this is what your body was missing to feel better. You stop and you feel bad, not worse than when you started off, but just bad enough to realize you could be so much better.

Let us get more specific to what I'm referring to for about the past 3-4 months I have been taking DHEA. DHEA is commonly taken by many trans/queer men to raise testosterone levels. As I said previously results from many scientific papers I've read show that taking DHEA will pretty much (in lamest terms) fuck you up. But after taking it for those 3-4 months the only thing I've noticed is that I feel a lot better. I have so much more energy and i have a lot less pain (i'm disabled by pain, so that was a big deal for me). Not only the physical aspects tho, but the mental and emotional aspects are also better. I'm able to think more thoroughly and accurately. My thought processes are now allowing me to articulate things a lot better. Emotionally I feel much more stable. My anger issues have gone down and I feel like I can channel my emotions better. But I don't understand. Everything that i've read and everything that I know tells me that all of those things should be opposite. Heightened testosterone should cause anger issues, scattered thoughts, weird emotions. I feel like by doing this I have begun to balance myself.

I stopped taking DHEA last month. Not for any reason, it just happened. I will definatly start taking it again for the reason that i'm starting to feel my anger come back and i'm starting to feel...well terrible... just like how I did before the DHEA. It's funny. I thought I was just fucked up having those things wrong with me...but now, being balanced. I don't I feel like this is how my body was supposed to be to begin with. The DHEA isn't breaking me, its fixing something that was broken.

Well that is the brewing thought of the week. I'll see if I can post a little something else this week :)