**Not admitting self-defeat**

So it’s become a thing now; Trying to fight against myself to prove myself right. Although I end up proving myself wrong in the end. My recent dysphoria has caused me to reexamine my values. It’s caused me to rewrite my goals. I don’t understand why though. I don’t understand so much of what has been going on. Why does everything seem to be so simple around me. They wake up, they workout, go to work, come back and sleep. They do the activities they have to do then they play a game or two. The entire time it seems like not one thought crosses their mind. I understand by being in americorps I have put my life on pause. But why does it feel like I am required to pause my mind : /
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Disability in transqueer men (or watever) also is a difficult endeavor. This isn’t randomly put in here. It directly relates to me rewriting my goals, reexamining my values. Today I had a wonderful day at work : ) worked for habitat for humanity. But I always felt the need to one-up everyone (as I usually do with anything). I felt the urge to prove my transmasculine identity to myself. No one around me neither knows about nor expects said identity, but I feel that need to be able to tell myself that I am indeed “one of the guys”. Those people around me see it as a strength thing. I must prove that I am stronger than they are. However, to me it is entirely different; More of a power thing. My disability doesn’t help with this at all, but hiding both of these things simultaneously makes it a competition against myself. I "need" to be a stronger individual and accomplish all of what the other guys can, but at the same time I am EXTREMELY limited compared to them. I am just as strong but ... I guess this is just a competition for myself in all honesty. I can do a lot more than most of the females here, but I can't work as long. I wish there was something I can do. Everyone around me is getting angry and frustrated at me. They think i'm just lazy. I wish I could say something.

**Not admitting self-defeat**

Shhhh… (poem)

By L. Monjaras

I feel like I should care sooo much.
But in all honesty, I just don’t.
I close my eyes dreaming of what I could be
dreaming of what I wish I’d be able to be.
I open my eyes realizing that the latter
would create enemies and fiends
out of those my heart is near.

Shhhh….

I shall never speak the words
that create of me.
A liar?
That will create of me
the enemy.

Shhh…

Stillness has never been so threatening
The whisper of your soul could calm my mind
And everything I know would be enlightening
If only I had sanity and time.

The star dangling by my neck
Tells me there’s something to believe
Tells me there’s something to get me out of it
Or get me in here just too deep

Shhh….

Stop whispering
Listen to the words of recognition
Listen to Her messages in the wind
Tell me that in all of this I LIE

Shhh…

Off to Oklahoma City (DHEA and bodily balance)

Well I'm off to OK city after a long while of not posting anything. I may not have internet where I'm headed to, so postings may be minimal for a while. I had one follower wanting me to post something on here. To be honest I haven't had much going on, but here's a thought that has been brewing about recognizing our bodies.

There is so much thought out there on recognizing what is wrong with our bodies and/or what is making us sick (in general). We can relate the things we consume, our daily activities, or other factors and figure out why we feel sick or why we are not doing as well as we thought we were. If we do good things we feel good. If we do bad things we feel bad. When it comes to health it generally goes that way. But sometimes we do things that, by most individuals, are categorized as bad things to do to your body. Scientific results have shown that to the average individual, doing such things are indeed bad and will make you feel bad. But you do those things and you realize you feel so much better than you started off at. You feel like this is what your body was missing to feel better. You stop and you feel bad, not worse than when you started off, but just bad enough to realize you could be so much better.

Let us get more specific to what I'm referring to for about the past 3-4 months I have been taking DHEA. DHEA is commonly taken by many trans/queer men to raise testosterone levels. As I said previously results from many scientific papers I've read show that taking DHEA will pretty much (in lamest terms) fuck you up. But after taking it for those 3-4 months the only thing I've noticed is that I feel a lot better. I have so much more energy and i have a lot less pain (i'm disabled by pain, so that was a big deal for me). Not only the physical aspects tho, but the mental and emotional aspects are also better. I'm able to think more thoroughly and accurately. My thought processes are now allowing me to articulate things a lot better. Emotionally I feel much more stable. My anger issues have gone down and I feel like I can channel my emotions better. But I don't understand. Everything that i've read and everything that I know tells me that all of those things should be opposite. Heightened testosterone should cause anger issues, scattered thoughts, weird emotions. I feel like by doing this I have begun to balance myself.

I stopped taking DHEA last month. Not for any reason, it just happened. I will definatly start taking it again for the reason that i'm starting to feel my anger come back and i'm starting to feel...well terrible... just like how I did before the DHEA. It's funny. I thought I was just fucked up having those things wrong with me...but now, being balanced. I don't I feel like this is how my body was supposed to be to begin with. The DHEA isn't breaking me, its fixing something that was broken.

Well that is the brewing thought of the week. I'll see if I can post a little something else this week :)

Youtube Video: Are you a boy or a girl?

NOT MY VIDEO! obviously...but it was something I ran into and I found her to be very wise in what we she was saying

**after posting this I changed all the he pronouns to she because I realized that she identified as female. I'm sorry. If anyone already read this (noone probably did) hope I didn't offend ppl**

What is my name?

(this was originally posted on TQ nation and when I say "here" I refer to there)

I have gone through a few names on here and I feel this odd need to explain myself (although I know many other guys on here have gone through the same) So although I don't share my birth name often (I just don't like it) I was born into the name Lesly. I never thought about a different name to identify my male side until I came out to my girlfriend. She liked the name Antonio so I went with it and have been known as Toni for those individuals I am out to...Recently I realized that I just kept that name because it was the one she chose, but never really Identified with it. At that point I changed this and everything with my name to Les. The first three letters of my name, and a pretty androgynous abbreviation. I had also been called that a lot through growing up mainly because people were too lazy to say my name (apparently Lesly is waay to long of a name *sarcasm*) Today it just popped into my head. I like the uniqueness of my name. The "Ly" in the end instead of the many other combinations of letter that the name could end in. Ly (pronounced Lee) its short. It's simple...It's me. It keeps the androgyny i'm looking for and ... I don't know I just feel like I have been matched to this name...and at the same time its been there all along :)

Fuck this

I'm done trying to live by your ignorant standards! This society expects me to live in one binary or the other... you know what I have to say to that? Fuck you.

Fuck you and your ignorance . Fuck you and your trying to make me one of THEM! I love me for me. I am me because I represent myself uniquely. Not because I conform to societies standards.

And YES I know that in order to live in this society comfortably there are those times where I am required to conform and I am not gonna fight against that, but I am done forcing myself to be someone I'm not because YOU think i'm ashamed. I am done fighting myself. I am done fighting.

I promise you that I will live happy. And you know why??? because I love myself for being me! I love myself for who I AM. Not who you think I am or who you try to make me.

"Today I decided to love my self. Sex, gender, and all"

-quoted from www.Genderfork.com

drowning in confusion

I have been drowning in an overpowering confusion that I have been speaking of for so long now...why do I feel as if tape has been placed over my mouth. I cannot speak of this. It feels so forbidden. I'm afraid that they may hate me... or that they may not understand. But when I say "they" who do I speak of? I think many times, when I say "they" I subconsciously mean myself. I honestly don't care of anyones disapproval right now. I feel like i'm stuck in the middle right now, even though I don't wanna be...every time I cross a line or try to cross a line to one gender or another I FREAK and slowly move the other way until i'm in the middle again. I don't understand. I was never like this and my life was never like this. What was it that changed that created this confusion. I put things on here as I notice them. So this is, all in all, a chronological diary of my mind O.o... seems so strange to have this out and open like this but I dont care... if anyone is out in the world who may be able to help me i'm up for it

can't I be invisible again?