Youtube Video: Are you a boy or a girl?

NOT MY VIDEO! obviously...but it was something I ran into and I found her to be very wise in what we she was saying

**after posting this I changed all the he pronouns to she because I realized that she identified as female. I'm sorry. If anyone already read this (noone probably did) hope I didn't offend ppl**

What is my name?

(this was originally posted on TQ nation and when I say "here" I refer to there)

I have gone through a few names on here and I feel this odd need to explain myself (although I know many other guys on here have gone through the same) So although I don't share my birth name often (I just don't like it) I was born into the name Lesly. I never thought about a different name to identify my male side until I came out to my girlfriend. She liked the name Antonio so I went with it and have been known as Toni for those individuals I am out to...Recently I realized that I just kept that name because it was the one she chose, but never really Identified with it. At that point I changed this and everything with my name to Les. The first three letters of my name, and a pretty androgynous abbreviation. I had also been called that a lot through growing up mainly because people were too lazy to say my name (apparently Lesly is waay to long of a name *sarcasm*) Today it just popped into my head. I like the uniqueness of my name. The "Ly" in the end instead of the many other combinations of letter that the name could end in. Ly (pronounced Lee) its short. It's simple...It's me. It keeps the androgyny i'm looking for and ... I don't know I just feel like I have been matched to this name...and at the same time its been there all along :)

Fuck this

I'm done trying to live by your ignorant standards! This society expects me to live in one binary or the other... you know what I have to say to that? Fuck you.

Fuck you and your ignorance . Fuck you and your trying to make me one of THEM! I love me for me. I am me because I represent myself uniquely. Not because I conform to societies standards.

And YES I know that in order to live in this society comfortably there are those times where I am required to conform and I am not gonna fight against that, but I am done forcing myself to be someone I'm not because YOU think i'm ashamed. I am done fighting myself. I am done fighting.

I promise you that I will live happy. And you know why??? because I love myself for being me! I love myself for who I AM. Not who you think I am or who you try to make me.

"Today I decided to love my self. Sex, gender, and all"

-quoted from www.Genderfork.com

drowning in confusion

I have been drowning in an overpowering confusion that I have been speaking of for so long now...why do I feel as if tape has been placed over my mouth. I cannot speak of this. It feels so forbidden. I'm afraid that they may hate me... or that they may not understand. But when I say "they" who do I speak of? I think many times, when I say "they" I subconsciously mean myself. I honestly don't care of anyones disapproval right now. I feel like i'm stuck in the middle right now, even though I don't wanna be...every time I cross a line or try to cross a line to one gender or another I FREAK and slowly move the other way until i'm in the middle again. I don't understand. I was never like this and my life was never like this. What was it that changed that created this confusion. I put things on here as I notice them. So this is, all in all, a chronological diary of my mind O.o... seems so strange to have this out and open like this but I dont care... if anyone is out in the world who may be able to help me i'm up for it

can't I be invisible again?

:(? Americorps, Counseling, and other junk

I set up the appointment with Melissa last week. I was excited. I finally get to talk to a counselor. Unfortunately, after planning my financial budget I realized that I can't afford even her ( she is really cheap). So now I have to cancel :( I'm upset, but at the same time, I don't think i'm ready. Something tells me that the moment I have my appointment my mind will blank... as it usually does. I think I will use my resources at hand. I don't want to drive my Americorps team leader into all of this, but I have a feeling it will end up there anyways. I plan to talk to the counselor at americorps when I return to campus in hope for further resources. I feel at a loss.

I also realized today what my recent dysphoria might be a result of. It's the small things I never noticed I did before. I am now living my life as solely female. Before this, in school, I was living as both female and male. Binding when I felt the need and dressing up when I felt female. I can honestly say that although I NEVER wear makeup anymore. My mind is set in a stage where I must always be female. I prepared for this long before I got here but I never realized it would be this difficult. Somethings are better left unsaid. There are so many things I wish were better left undone. Unfortunately, leaving them undone is the issue now. I think once I go back to Denver and wear some of my male clothes out and about everything will be much better. I'm so sure of it.

For that which was unspoken. Is now my only hope.

So I finally decided to email an online counselor. It was not an easy decision and I tried so hard to avoid it, but I know it has to be done. I filled out a contact sheet and gave her my schedule. I should be getting an appointment soon. Melissa Leonhardt...anyone know her? Well she is an online counselor for the transqueer community as well as other specialties. I hope this works out. I hope she can give the guidance I need to help grow as an individual and figure it out. I'm still so scared

So bored.