Youtube Video: Are you a boy or a girl?

NOT MY VIDEO! obviously...but it was something I ran into and I found her to be very wise in what we she was saying

**after posting this I changed all the he pronouns to she because I realized that she identified as female. I'm sorry. If anyone already read this (noone probably did) hope I didn't offend ppl**

What is my name?

(this was originally posted on TQ nation and when I say "here" I refer to there)

I have gone through a few names on here and I feel this odd need to explain myself (although I know many other guys on here have gone through the same) So although I don't share my birth name often (I just don't like it) I was born into the name Lesly. I never thought about a different name to identify my male side until I came out to my girlfriend. She liked the name Antonio so I went with it and have been known as Toni for those individuals I am out to...Recently I realized that I just kept that name because it was the one she chose, but never really Identified with it. At that point I changed this and everything with my name to Les. The first three letters of my name, and a pretty androgynous abbreviation. I had also been called that a lot through growing up mainly because people were too lazy to say my name (apparently Lesly is waay to long of a name *sarcasm*) Today it just popped into my head. I like the uniqueness of my name. The "Ly" in the end instead of the many other combinations of letter that the name could end in. Ly (pronounced Lee) its short. It's simple...It's me. It keeps the androgyny i'm looking for and ... I don't know I just feel like I have been matched to this name...and at the same time its been there all along :)

Fuck this

I'm done trying to live by your ignorant standards! This society expects me to live in one binary or the other... you know what I have to say to that? Fuck you.

Fuck you and your ignorance . Fuck you and your trying to make me one of THEM! I love me for me. I am me because I represent myself uniquely. Not because I conform to societies standards.

And YES I know that in order to live in this society comfortably there are those times where I am required to conform and I am not gonna fight against that, but I am done forcing myself to be someone I'm not because YOU think i'm ashamed. I am done fighting myself. I am done fighting.

I promise you that I will live happy. And you know why??? because I love myself for being me! I love myself for who I AM. Not who you think I am or who you try to make me.

"Today I decided to love my self. Sex, gender, and all"

-quoted from www.Genderfork.com

drowning in confusion

I have been drowning in an overpowering confusion that I have been speaking of for so long now...why do I feel as if tape has been placed over my mouth. I cannot speak of this. It feels so forbidden. I'm afraid that they may hate me... or that they may not understand. But when I say "they" who do I speak of? I think many times, when I say "they" I subconsciously mean myself. I honestly don't care of anyones disapproval right now. I feel like i'm stuck in the middle right now, even though I don't wanna be...every time I cross a line or try to cross a line to one gender or another I FREAK and slowly move the other way until i'm in the middle again. I don't understand. I was never like this and my life was never like this. What was it that changed that created this confusion. I put things on here as I notice them. So this is, all in all, a chronological diary of my mind O.o... seems so strange to have this out and open like this but I dont care... if anyone is out in the world who may be able to help me i'm up for it

can't I be invisible again?

:(? Americorps, Counseling, and other junk

I set up the appointment with Melissa last week. I was excited. I finally get to talk to a counselor. Unfortunately, after planning my financial budget I realized that I can't afford even her ( she is really cheap). So now I have to cancel :( I'm upset, but at the same time, I don't think i'm ready. Something tells me that the moment I have my appointment my mind will blank... as it usually does. I think I will use my resources at hand. I don't want to drive my Americorps team leader into all of this, but I have a feeling it will end up there anyways. I plan to talk to the counselor at americorps when I return to campus in hope for further resources. I feel at a loss.

I also realized today what my recent dysphoria might be a result of. It's the small things I never noticed I did before. I am now living my life as solely female. Before this, in school, I was living as both female and male. Binding when I felt the need and dressing up when I felt female. I can honestly say that although I NEVER wear makeup anymore. My mind is set in a stage where I must always be female. I prepared for this long before I got here but I never realized it would be this difficult. Somethings are better left unsaid. There are so many things I wish were better left undone. Unfortunately, leaving them undone is the issue now. I think once I go back to Denver and wear some of my male clothes out and about everything will be much better. I'm so sure of it.

For that which was unspoken. Is now my only hope.

So I finally decided to email an online counselor. It was not an easy decision and I tried so hard to avoid it, but I know it has to be done. I filled out a contact sheet and gave her my schedule. I should be getting an appointment soon. Melissa Leonhardt...anyone know her? Well she is an online counselor for the transqueer community as well as other specialties. I hope this works out. I hope she can give the guidance I need to help grow as an individual and figure it out. I'm still so scared

So bored.

(The other post) Desperation

So i've had so much on my mind lately as any (if any) followers have noticed ((yes I am fully aware I have noone signed up as a follower on my page)). I'm thinking of seeing a gender therapist :/ I know if you look back you can clearly see I said this 10 months ago. I am just so scared...I feel like I will get dismissed by therapists since I am both and neither male nor female... but at the same time i hope they can help me figure out stuff and things ((yes that is as descriptive as this is getting after my long day today)) I need support. Being so far away from Reno, I have lost my circle of support. They are just so far away. I miss the people I could say all of this to and they understood or tried to understand. I miss the people who would not judge me but be my shoulder to cry on as I tried to figure this out because they knew that admitting to so much of this was really hard... I miss the people who I could joke around about this when it got too serious to talk about and it was all ok. I miss the people who didn't look at me as "any less of a man" when I cried because they knew how hard so much of this is. I miss the people who never left my side even though I know they never did understand it.

I need someone to talk to. Even if it is a complete stranger I am paying so they will listen. I just need someone to respond to give me feedback and to help me out, because honestly, I have sucked all the information I can from my resources at hand. I have read every book. I have seen every article and read every forum. I don't know which road to head but this. I'm getting desperate and this is a big point of desperation in my life...to go to a therapist? something i am fully against? I must be desperate

The "man's" world

Today was one of those days. Talk about the bluntest and sublest you can be about sexism at the same time... today I worked out on the field. I guess one can say I did "a man's job". Another male corp member and myself were hauling metal from burnt down homes to the trucks.

Wow

Wow is all I can say. I felt empowered and embarressed at the same time about everything I was. I was empowered to try and work harder but lets face it i'm not the strongest person in the world... at the same time I was embarresed because even though I was able to lift the same amount if not more as some of the older men in my group. I knew I would recieve no acknowledgement whatsoever.... and why you ask? because in their eyes I was female...

Ok that is just fucked up. I feel for all females when this happened to me. At that moment I heard my girlfriends voice saying "You are a girl". Then I remembered and realized something. No matter what I say and what I think of myself to the outside world I AM infact a girl.

So the sexism that I experienced today on the job was one thing but to percieve myself as male and experience this was just a mind fuck overall.... I felt self contradicting. All of this is not helping me... I'm posting another post shortly following this I just want this to stay on topic

End

New thoughts

Boredom has allowed me to marinate in my thoughts. It has created so many new thoughts. This shouldn't be a problem...why is it? I am living my perfect life right now... It should all be stress free... but instead it's the exact opposite. I doubt everything I do and everything I say. I doubt my emotions and my opinions. What is it that I should be doing about all of this? Should I be doing anything at all?

Rant to self

What is the point where I give up compared to the point where I strive my hardest to move beyond it or forward within it... How do I decide? or is it even a decision that is mine to make. I have all this and so much more to say and I just don't know how to say it... what are we deciding to with our lives if it not to live it successfully, If it not to live it in a direction that will lead us to accomplish so much.

*sigh* **Taps pencil on notebook**

It's all lies. It all feels like lies. I like my androgyny. I miss it tho. I feel like now i'm one or the other. What happened to my inbetween? that was my comfort. My dysphoric mind returns to me, and it is now..that I realize it wasn't there in the past.

Alone. I'm alone. Why couldn't this happen when I was among friends? Now i'm among strangers

This is more of a rant to self than anything other....

I am NOT one of the girls!

Day 1 of 2 for spike travel

It becomes more blatantly obvious to myself where i'm begining to stand on the gender spectrum. It's not that I don't appreciate what they do, its not that I don't like what they do. They're behaviours and such. Hell i'd be lying if i said I didn't share some of these behaviours with them. But it's so uncomfortable. I keep trying to figure it out... what is more uncomfortable?? That I can't relate to them even if I try, that even when I try I still lie on the outskirts of both spectrums or that I do relate to them and it shows that i'm more of both and neither. I am so confused. I am so lost. I am so scared. I have been feeling this need, this urge to find my place. I don't have anyone to talk to thus... this is my only source of output. I stay quiet not because I have nothing to say, but because I am so afraid of what you might say...

NCCC vs Myself

Ahh yes... A new beginning which I thought would make things so much easier appears to be doing the exact opposite. I entered what appears to be a new world isolated in its own vicinity. I expecting things to be like they were in college. I have my group of friends and they accept me and if they don't it's whatever. But now i'm in this place where these 12 individuals (my team) will be the ones I am spending 80% of my time with. I feel almost ashamed of everything I am. I try so hard to hide it and accept it as part of being here. Doing this though is making everything so UNBEARABLE. Sexism prevails terrible in NCCC and it's not big things that people would protest about, but it's the small things that so many people do on a daily basis that are unnoticable except for those individuals whom don't lie between said binaries

This weekend we depart for a 5 week project. I'm excited. This is what I came here for! but... a lot of times we know what we want to do, and we know it may get difficult but we can do it, but we forget about the other challenges that individuals of non gender comforming identities face. I strive to fit in at this point... not bringing into the light what is really going on with me and how I feel about many of these situations. It frightens me to share such things. I'll just have to see how it all goes.

(Genderqueer in Americorps):"Are you a boy or a girl?

The words and phrases that used to give me so much satisfaction. The ones that used to tell me that I was just me and not living within these binaries of gender. The same words that used to make me smile, are now the words I dread. As I move deeper into my androgynous form, I hear these words so often sometimes even up to 5 times a day. At the airport, people stumble upon their "Sir"s and "Ma'm"s. I get stopped entering bathrooms, and get stared at when I make it in without difficulty. When did this go from being my goal, to being that which I dread everyday?

Ironic, some say, are my goals. For my gender expression will attract attention to me, and I know this. But the attention isn't my goal. The attention is more like a bad side effect, like when you take medicine. Another goal of mine, however, is to immerse myself in my surroundings. All in all, to just blend in. I want to be the one that no one really notices right now. I want to be just another person. Usually, that's not a problem, but then there are those instances. Oh yes... those instances, where all eyes are on me... Even if all those eyes are 5 years old.

Today I volunteered at an elementary school. We helped the kids paint some banners that are hung throughout the school. In the morning we had grades 4 and 3 followed by grade 2 right after lunch. To them I was just another "grown up" helping them with their work. I know at that age kids are more consumed in themselves then in what's going on around them...thank god. Unfortunately, grade 1 (Yes the ones right out of kindergarten..yea...those :)) always tend to be more aware of their surroundings. They are in the stage of asking questions. The question the world around them, and apparently, ... they question me.

2 little girls whisper to each other. They see past you, and you know it. "Are you a boy or a girl?" they ask. I think young children are the most aware ones around. I hated my answer to that question... but I was at work "I am a girl," I responded, but they continued to question me. It's funny and its cute. They started talking about my hair and how I didn't look like a girl I looked like a boy. It hurt tho. Not what they said, but what I had to say.

"I am at work. I live at work." I tell myself that every morning and every night. These next 10 months are not about me, but about them. I'm afraid to focus too much on all of this which is part of me, because we should be focusing on them right now.

These next 10 months are not about me. I mean that, but it is so hard to not make it a little about me, to use this time to work on myself...I do express myself as more feminine than usual (A LOT more feminine) but that is part of my blending in. This isn't one of those things that are deep and will continue to haunt me...but its just something that needed to be said

Failed attempts towards contradiction

In an attempt to become what I found it neccesary to be, I found myself becoming everything which I have been fighting against and found my definition of my gender to be contradicting within itself. Being "one of the guys" has now come to mean that I am becoming one of "them" and that I have attempted and am currently attempting to fit into the socially created binary. With all of this, we all know that as society expects us to fit into the binaries , we expect ourselves to find a place in this world where we fit in and have a community. Since most of the society is, in fact, part of the cisgender community, we see that we attempt to fit into the binaries to fit into that community. So until we can see and become part of the community of our queer brothers, sisters, and all inbetween, we will never truly become what we TRULY mean to be.

ze, zir, hir, zhim

I simply don't understand the use of gender neutral pronouns like this. I don't have anything against it, I've just never seen or heard anyone actually use them

I copied the table below from Wikipedia just in case people have no idea what i'm talking about. I personally think it would be interesting to hear people use these pronouns in day to day conversation.

	Nominative (subject)	Objective (object)	Possessive determiner	Possessive pronoun	Reflexive
Invented pronouns
Ne (pronounced like "me")	Ne laughed	I called nir	Nir eyes gleam	That is nirs	Ne likes nyself
Spivak (old)	E laughed	I called em	Eir eyes gleam	That is eirs	E likes eirself
Spivak (new)[20]	Ey laughed	I called em	Eir eyes gleam	That is eirs	Ey likes emself
Humanist[21]	Hu laughed	I called hum	Hus eyes gleam	That is hus	Hu likes humself
Hy	Hy laughed	I called hym	Hys eyes gleam	That is hys	Hy likes hymself
Ot	Ot laughed	I called ot	Ots eyes gleam	That is ots	Ot likes otself
Yt	Yt laughed	I called yt	Yts eyes gleam	That is yts	Yt likes ytself
Thon[22]	Thon laughed	I called thon	Thons eyes gleam	That is thons	Thon likes thonself
Ve[23]	Ve laughed	I called ver	Vis eyes gleam	That is vis	Ve likes verself
Xe[24]	Xe laughed	I called xem	Xyr eyes gleam	That is xyrs	Xe likes xemself
Ze (or zie or sie) and zir[25]	Ze laughed	I called zir/zem	Zir/Zes eyes gleam	That is zirs/zes	Ze likes zirself
Ze (or zie or sie) and hir[26]	Ze laughed	I called hir	Hir eyes gleam	That is hirs	Ze likes hirself
Ze and mer[27]	Ze laughed	I called mer	Zer eyes gleam	That is zers	Ze likes zemself
Zhe, Zher, Zhim[28]	Zhe laughed	I called zhim	Zher eyes gleam	That is zhers	Zhe likes zhimself
En	En laughed	I called en	Ens eyes gleam	That is ens	En likes enself
Co	Co laughed	I called co	Co's eyes gleam	That is co's	Co likes coself
Phe	Phe laughed	I called Phe	Phe′s eyes gleam	That is Phe′s	Phe likes Phesself
Per(son)	Per laughed	I called per	pers eyes gleam	That is pers	Per likes perself

A poem by my s.o

So my girlfriend that I discussed in one of my other posts put a comment on something. It was a poem she wrote and I absolutely loved it. I thought I'd post it up here. It shows how far she is moving towards her acceptance. I added color since I thought it would emphasize the poem.

------------

Once Upon a time there was a color.
Her name was Blue.
She was sad sometimes.
But a very pretty Cloudy blue.

She met another Color named Yellow.
Bright and sunny!
One day they met.
They Loved each other from the beginning.

But one day yellow got a feeling that
Blue was hiding something.
Secretly.... Blue wanted to be green.
Yellow could not understand why she wanted to
be green! Blue was such a pretty Color, and yellow could not see her as anything other then blue.
But the more yellow blended with blue, the more green came out. Green was confident, green was happy. And if they work together, and supported each other, the more prettier the green became.

In the end, we are all just colors...blue..yellow...green...even red! As long as we love each other, and blend well, it doesn't matter what color you are!!


<3

Filled with Happiness

So an SO(Significant Other) and I have been having some trouble lately and one of the reasons we've been having a lot of trouble is because i'm bigender. But last night she said something that made me so happy. It was the act of her trying to understand me. She said how in her Sexual Psychology class they are studying gender issues right now and she starting asking me questions about my identification. This is probably the first time she's acknowledged my bigender identity as, well, an identity, and not a disorder. This is such a big step for her, and such a big step for us. I hope that she continues to try and understand everything instead of closing herself in a box like she did in the past. And, similarly, I hope to gain understanding of myself instead of enclosing myself with the idea that I cannot change who I am. I can change... i'm not talking changing my gender identity, but changing the negative values for both and either of my identities :)

Another little update: Disney

So I applied to the Disney College Program in Orlando, Florida. I took the web-based interview, then took the phone interview and everything went ok (i'd say it went excellent but I was so nervous) I got a status pending on the 15th of February and now I'm waiting. This wait is such a drag, so many people got their acceptance envelopes and I haven't gotten a thing. Here's hoping for the best.

Dysphoria

It is a thought. A beautiful one to a lot of us, that creates us. A thought of creation. A thought to become a better match. Not to anyone else, but to ourselves. This is my first semester of college, and as most people in college, I have began to explore everything which can create me. Unfortunately, in discovering everything that is better, everything which is not that causes discomfort. Kind of like a drug. I want the best of what I can have. When you know everything that something can be, you want that everything. Only a little isn't sufficient. I've been dealing with dysphoria so much lately. to the point where i almost had a panic attack a couple nights ago. I'm fine now though and it all seems so weird to me. I guess i'm still in the process of figuring everything out which causes me to embrace what I've been missing out on. When i become completely comfortable with my dysphoria is when I am able to present myself as my bio-gender. Usually I feel most comfortable as a male. I swear sometimes I wish I was biomale and presented as female when I called for it. Unfortunately that is the exact opposite of my case. I am so confused as to who I am or how I want to continue living. Right now i'm living day to day with whatever is most comfortable for that particular situation.

Peace and Love to everyone out there. I hope your confusion to whatever your situation may be is less than mine.

I seem to be getting to a point where speaking in my female voice seems to be getting unfamiliar. . Like when you hear a recording of someone and don't recognize the voice. When I look at the mirror and I see a female, I don't see myself, I see someone unfamiliar looking back. I've never been uncomfortable of my female self. Sometimes I don't mind her. Sometimes its ok. But right now, its not. Right now I want to be a guy and that’s it. I want Lesly to go away. I know I'm not transgender FTM to the entire extent. I know that if I was to transition I would regret it when female me decides to reemerge. But there are some times when I just can't take it. There are some times when I just lay here and cry. Why is this so unbearable? And why is it that I feel like no one is here for me? I want to see a gender therapist I do… but for financial(as long as other reasons) I won't be able to until April. I know its not far. We're in March here soon, but time seems to be going so slow. I take a deep breath and deal with this. It's my problem right? Its mine to deal with. I don't really want to get the other people in my life involved with this because I'm afraid I'll push them away. My identifying as bigender has already pushed one of the most important people in my life away a bit. I'm afraid to push her more, and I'm afraid to push everyone else.

Focal Points; and Public Apology

I realized today two main focal points I have with each gender. My focus on my female gender is very superficial. I focus malnly on the physical aspects of what I look like and that’s pretty much it. Vanity i guess is the simplest word I can use to explain female me. My male focus is pretty much on everthing else. I guess many can say that it defines the complex-nature of me. I focus my male side on appearances as well, I will not lie, but there is more. I also focus on my behavior and attitudes. I make sure that my manners are more intact when I am male than I am female. I keep higher moral standards. The issue with being male though lies in all this focus. I work so hard to try to build the perfect life for me and sometimes I become aggressive. I try so hard to build the perfect life for me, so sometimes I completely forget the needs of others. My female side is my calm side, its the side that interacts with everything and doesn't overanalyze things to the point where it tears my life apart.

I want to make this an opportunity to say I'm sorry, to the girl which I hurt because of all of this. It was not my original intention to write this blog as an apology, but as I wrote all of this I realized my faults. I just dissected myself, and this dissection led to self-realization. I've apologized for what I did so just know that that is not particularly what I'm apologizing for. I'm more apologizing for my ignorance of myself. For my lack of knowledge of why I was doing what I did and the fact that Overall, I did. I just want you to know my reasons, although reasons are not justifications.

Beautiful

Here is a short poem I did when I was half asleep

Beautiful

A man and a woman

The moon and the sun

Together they vanish

Or begin to highlight

Eachother

Forever

For eternity

A life full of beauty

Full of nothing but me

I cannot say that I have what you see as beauty

I I don’t have long flowing hair

Or eyes of pure beauty

What I have is a presence that is beautiful and kind

One that makes me

Me

And no one else am I alike

A gentleman that opens doors

For any young lady that passes by

A lady that is strong and bold

And stands up for anything right

I’m beautiful because I’m me

Because I’m unlike any other

I’m beautiful because what I do

Makes me feel in credible

I’m beautiful because

No matter what

You do

Or what you say

Everything inside of me

Will always be the same

Brin's Video on : Boy Mode and (Bi)Gender Switching - Bigender.net - Paul - Video 10

So my binder arrived yesterday and I picked it up. I must say it was rather difficult to put on since binders don’t stretch that much. It was fine once I got it over my shoulders. Wow perfect size!!! I was amazed at how well it compresses. I’m nearly flat (the fact that my breasts are a D cup I wasn’t expecting this). I would honesty recommend to all bigender people, pre-op transmen, and even just the casual crossdressers and cosplayers! It is also unbelievable comfortable. For all of us who bind with ace bandages, we know that after a while it starts to hurt and it gets a bit difficult to breath or it just starts chafing our skin. The thing with the Underworks binder is that it doesn’t stretch much, but it stretches just enough to adjust and conform to your body. It’s breathable, so your skin isn’t feeling suffocated. And you can wear it all day since it fits just like a tee. I’m also beginning to notice that its helping out with some back issues I have. Specifically I got the Underwork #997 just so you know exactly which one I’m talking about. Well I just thought I’d share my excitement!! J I’ll make sure to post pics up eventually ( whenever I can get my camera to start working). Everyone have a great day! BTW I got some head turns today... the "wait is that a girl? or a boy? wtf?" look LMAO that put a smile on my face