(Genderqueer in Americorps):"Are you a boy or a girl?

The words and phrases that used to give me so much satisfaction. The ones that used to tell me that I was just me and not living within these binaries of gender. The same words that used to make me smile, are now the words I dread. As I move deeper into my androgynous form, I hear these words so often sometimes even up to 5 times a day. At the airport, people stumble upon their "Sir"s and "Ma'm"s. I get stopped entering bathrooms, and get stared at when I make it in without difficulty. When did this go from being my goal, to being that which I dread everyday?

Ironic, some say, are my goals. For my gender expression will attract attention to me, and I know this. But the attention isn't my goal. The attention is more like a bad side effect, like when you take medicine. Another goal of mine, however, is to immerse myself in my surroundings. All in all, to just blend in. I want to be the one that no one really notices right now. I want to be just another person. Usually, that's not a problem, but then there are those instances. Oh yes... those instances, where all eyes are on me... Even if all those eyes are 5 years old.

Today I volunteered at an elementary school. We helped the kids paint some banners that are hung throughout the school. In the morning we had grades 4 and 3 followed by grade 2 right after lunch. To them I was just another "grown up" helping them with their work. I know at that age kids are more consumed in themselves then in what's going on around them...thank god. Unfortunately, grade 1 (Yes the ones right out of kindergarten..yea...those :)) always tend to be more aware of their surroundings. They are in the stage of asking questions. The question the world around them, and apparently, ... they question me.

2 little girls whisper to each other. They see past you, and you know it. "Are you a boy or a girl?" they ask. I think young children are the most aware ones around. I hated my answer to that question... but I was at work "I am a girl," I responded, but they continued to question me. It's funny and its cute. They started talking about my hair and how I didn't look like a girl I looked like a boy. It hurt tho. Not what they said, but what I had to say.

"I am at work. I live at work." I tell myself that every morning and every night. These next 10 months are not about me, but about them. I'm afraid to focus too much on all of this which is part of me, because we should be focusing on them right now.

These next 10 months are not about me. I mean that, but it is so hard to not make it a little about me, to use this time to work on myself...I do express myself as more feminine than usual (A LOT more feminine) but that is part of my blending in. This isn't one of those things that are deep and will continue to haunt me...but its just something that needed to be said