This is the part when I cry.

Ok so this is going to be a mostly short post. This is just one of those things I really want to document.

So crying....and how with almost 3 weeks on T it is difficult to do so. I heard about this with some other guys, but since I hadn't felt many emotional changes yet, I figured this just wouldn't be something that happened to me. And the lack of emotional changes still stands true. I still feel that knot in my throat, that burst of sorrow that usually comes right before the relief of tears. Except there are no tears, and there is no relief. Just the sorrow, and that knot, and if I do cry, it a few tears. Its funny because you never really think about what it is that you are doing when you are crying. There are tears that stream down your face as you may or may not vocalize sobbing sounds, your breath and heartbeat increase as well. You may shiver or shake. And its funny because besides the tears, its all there... it really is, but the tears, I guess they're important aren't they. Without crying, I'm turning more and more towards music that is providing me a similar form of relief. Thank goodness I have that.

Lets try this again: (Re) Introduction and first T shot

After nearly 2 and a half years of no posts, and the amount of changes since, I find it only approrpiate to write a reintroduction post.

Hello All,

My name is Lukas. I am still the original writer of this blog (even if the names/emails linked to it seem otherwise). You can see my brief description of myself on the left of the page. I am restarting this blog after a wonderful recommendation to document my transition via writing. I'm not sure where I left off or even what I wrote in my other posts, so I am going to write this with the assumption that you have not read previous posts. I am a trans guy in the beginning of my medical transition. This blog will likely focus on that, although I hope to incorporate some of my other interests into it.

It took me a very long time to get here. It was not an easy journey, and honestly, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I truly believe that the only way to learn about oneself is through experience. I was reluctant at first. I was scared to accept what my identity could mean to me and to my future. I was horrified of how it would affect those around me. Of how it would affect me. I tried to find every way around it. I sought new identities that I may use to attempt to hide who I truly was. I hid in identities of androgyny and bigender identification. I was scared. I wish I could say there was more to it. I wish I could say there was a deep dark reason for why I felt the need to hide it like this for so many years. But at the end of the day, it all comes down to that simple fact: I was scared.

Lets fast forward. Past that fear. About 5 years from when I started this blog. I am still scared of a lot of things. But I am no longer letting that fear hold me back. I am embracing it. I am letting that fear fuel me to new beginnings.

Two days ago I did my first T shot. And because I am a creature of fear, I was scared. I wasn't scared for any large reason that needs an introspective analysis or anything. I was honestly just a bit scared of sticking an inch and a half needle into my leg. Otherwise, I was excited. Enthused. I cannot find proper words to describe the amount of joy I felt that day. I could say it was a long process to get the T, but that's not entirely true. It felt like eternity, but it was only a one month process from my initial appointment until my first shot. It would have been shorter but the thanksgiving holidays had the doctor's office a little busy. I will write about my experience getting T and all those details in other post. This one is mostly meant for overview.

After some reluctance and some encouraging friends, I was finally able to stick the needle into my leg and inject myself with my first dose of a quarter cc of testosterone. It was surprisingly painless...the first few hours. After that it was really sore for about the next 24 hours. Although it is still sore, it is only slight at this point. I don't think I could have expected anything else, however. The human body usually doesn't like foreign intruders and oils with testosterone is definitely a foreign intruder.

Since it has only been two days since I started there aren't really any changes. Well not any changes for polite conversation. (I'll probably post non-polite updates occasionally). I'm excited that changes will eventually occur, but I know they will take quite a while. This is all the update for now.

WELCOME BACK! to all the previous readers (I think there were like 2 of you).

I truly do believe that I will be updating this blog regularly because it is really important to me to document this transition somehow. Also, I might need a place to rant occasionally once the emotional side effects of T kick in. So welcome to the blog. I hope you enjoy it. I will try to make it interesting :P