Reflections

I wrote a post that I never actually posted last week. It was a short post about how I no longer see my reflection in the mirror and how I am not what I see anymore. This is what it read:

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection tonight. I never noticed how much I don’t look at my reflection. I don’t do it intentionally. It just happens. I brush my teeth and do my hair in the mornings without seeing myself… even though I’m looking directly at my image. It’s weird. I don’t see the same person I used to see anymore. I don’t understand. I don’t understand what has changed so dramatically…”

Last night I caught another glimpse of my reflection and this time I looked. I stared and I contemplated at what it was I was looking at in the mirror. I had my hair gelled back and I was wearing a collared polo. Bound and all, I looked at my face and I looked at my presence. Looked deeper than just what was staring me back from the mirror but looked through that to see the existence before it. I don’t know what changed. I don’t know what made my reflection different from last week. The reflection I saw now was that of a handsome individual. Something about this past week changed my reflection. I don’t know if it was the smile on my face that night or the happiness that I knew that I had the support of 10 people in my life. Shit. Maybe it was just the fact that belly dancer and hookah waitress treated me like a real guy…U know what… I don’t care to find out what it was that changed my reflection. I’m just so glad it did. I’m so glad that I’m happy and that right there makes such a big difference in, not just the way I see myself, but in the way I see the world :-)

-Ly

So after a great amount of thinking over things and a few trial and errors, i decided to maintain a daily DHEA intake of 25mg. I don't feel a dependency off of the DHEA but i do feel the ability to function more emotionally. My emotional stability has been my biggest issue since before all of this started, and it continues to be the issue of priority to me

Do not post

No clue on what my options are. I need someone to speak to! But how is this even possible??? Why am I even here trying to figure this shit out? What’s wrong with me? Why did I put myself in this situation? (><) Every day the laughter around me represents some sort of fallacy in my heart. My work is beginning to be so mindless and although I love it, the thoughts racing in my mind are beginning to make is nearly unbearable. Numbness prevails in my soul and leaks into my body. I’m not a boy! I tell myself this everyday but slowly I’m crossing the line out of feminine identity yet not into masculine identity and I find myself stuck somewhere in between; A gender freak of nothing yet everything in between and outside those lines. This isn’t something I have to figure out now, so why is it loitering in my mind as if it is the only part of me that bears importance or as if it the only portion that creates me? When did this go from something that was just “happening” to something that is slowly but surely becoming a burden in my day-to-day activities? Silence. I wish someone cared. I miss the people who cared. I miss the people who understood.

End :/

After a long argument with myself I have decided that it is in my best interest to no longer continue my natural transitioning process : /. I’m scared… I’m freaking out about everything right now and I think it’s best to have patience and just let things stand still… possibly revisit the idea in the future. Possibly not. I’m putting away my bottle of what now is 50 mg of DHEA under my bed :/ (this upsets me cuz it’s a brand new bottle) I know I will feel the need to take DHEA every now and then ( as I mentioned in a previous post it just makes me feel good :)) so in those situations I have agreed to take half of a 25mg DHEA pill. I will continue to take the health supplements such as the milk thistle and flaxseed oil because, in all reality, it’s good for anyone to take. I plan to begin working out more and my workout plans will not change due to the decision I have made. I will continue to leave soy out of my diet because I feel healthier doing so. I guess…it’s the DHEA… anyone who has read Tristan’s NT book knows that it is indeed one of the most potent pills in the book (besides the Estrogen blockers which I didn’t take )

I just don’t want to make permanent damage. I hope to revisit the idea of seeing a counselor after I am done with my travels…but the idea still freaks me the fuck out. Life is a beautiful thing…permanence in life however is scary and we have to make sure we are 100% before anything “permanent” gets done.

But remember

The only thing permanent in life is change.

It all sounds like technicalities for me right now. Do “this” you will get “that” … I wish life could be so much easier I wish things could be a little more black and white. I’ve always lived my life in this gray area and it makes everything so difficult. I hate this! People (for whatever reason) think that I enjoy living my life as this “alternative lifestyle” whatever the fuck that means. I want a normal life but it seems to be a conflict of interest. :/ whatever. I’m starting not to care about so many things :/