:(? Americorps, Counseling, and other junk

I set up the appointment with Melissa last week. I was excited. I finally get to talk to a counselor. Unfortunately, after planning my financial budget I realized that I can't afford even her ( she is really cheap). So now I have to cancel :( I'm upset, but at the same time, I don't think i'm ready. Something tells me that the moment I have my appointment my mind will blank... as it usually does. I think I will use my resources at hand. I don't want to drive my Americorps team leader into all of this, but I have a feeling it will end up there anyways. I plan to talk to the counselor at americorps when I return to campus in hope for further resources. I feel at a loss.

I also realized today what my recent dysphoria might be a result of. It's the small things I never noticed I did before. I am now living my life as solely female. Before this, in school, I was living as both female and male. Binding when I felt the need and dressing up when I felt female. I can honestly say that although I NEVER wear makeup anymore. My mind is set in a stage where I must always be female. I prepared for this long before I got here but I never realized it would be this difficult. Somethings are better left unsaid. There are so many things I wish were better left undone. Unfortunately, leaving them undone is the issue now. I think once I go back to Denver and wear some of my male clothes out and about everything will be much better. I'm so sure of it.

For that which was unspoken. Is now my only hope.

So I finally decided to email an online counselor. It was not an easy decision and I tried so hard to avoid it, but I know it has to be done. I filled out a contact sheet and gave her my schedule. I should be getting an appointment soon. Melissa Leonhardt...anyone know her? Well she is an online counselor for the transqueer community as well as other specialties. I hope this works out. I hope she can give the guidance I need to help grow as an individual and figure it out. I'm still so scared

So bored.

(The other post) Desperation

So i've had so much on my mind lately as any (if any) followers have noticed ((yes I am fully aware I have noone signed up as a follower on my page)). I'm thinking of seeing a gender therapist :/ I know if you look back you can clearly see I said this 10 months ago. I am just so scared...I feel like I will get dismissed by therapists since I am both and neither male nor female... but at the same time i hope they can help me figure out stuff and things ((yes that is as descriptive as this is getting after my long day today)) I need support. Being so far away from Reno, I have lost my circle of support. They are just so far away. I miss the people I could say all of this to and they understood or tried to understand. I miss the people who would not judge me but be my shoulder to cry on as I tried to figure this out because they knew that admitting to so much of this was really hard... I miss the people who I could joke around about this when it got too serious to talk about and it was all ok. I miss the people who didn't look at me as "any less of a man" when I cried because they knew how hard so much of this is. I miss the people who never left my side even though I know they never did understand it.

I need someone to talk to. Even if it is a complete stranger I am paying so they will listen. I just need someone to respond to give me feedback and to help me out, because honestly, I have sucked all the information I can from my resources at hand. I have read every book. I have seen every article and read every forum. I don't know which road to head but this. I'm getting desperate and this is a big point of desperation in my life...to go to a therapist? something i am fully against? I must be desperate

The "man's" world

Today was one of those days. Talk about the bluntest and sublest you can be about sexism at the same time... today I worked out on the field. I guess one can say I did "a man's job". Another male corp member and myself were hauling metal from burnt down homes to the trucks.

Wow

Wow is all I can say. I felt empowered and embarressed at the same time about everything I was. I was empowered to try and work harder but lets face it i'm not the strongest person in the world... at the same time I was embarresed because even though I was able to lift the same amount if not more as some of the older men in my group. I knew I would recieve no acknowledgement whatsoever.... and why you ask? because in their eyes I was female...

Ok that is just fucked up. I feel for all females when this happened to me. At that moment I heard my girlfriends voice saying "You are a girl". Then I remembered and realized something. No matter what I say and what I think of myself to the outside world I AM infact a girl.

So the sexism that I experienced today on the job was one thing but to percieve myself as male and experience this was just a mind fuck overall.... I felt self contradicting. All of this is not helping me... I'm posting another post shortly following this I just want this to stay on topic

End

New thoughts

Boredom has allowed me to marinate in my thoughts. It has created so many new thoughts. This shouldn't be a problem...why is it? I am living my perfect life right now... It should all be stress free... but instead it's the exact opposite. I doubt everything I do and everything I say. I doubt my emotions and my opinions. What is it that I should be doing about all of this? Should I be doing anything at all?

Rant to self

What is the point where I give up compared to the point where I strive my hardest to move beyond it or forward within it... How do I decide? or is it even a decision that is mine to make. I have all this and so much more to say and I just don't know how to say it... what are we deciding to with our lives if it not to live it successfully, If it not to live it in a direction that will lead us to accomplish so much.

*sigh* **Taps pencil on notebook**

It's all lies. It all feels like lies. I like my androgyny. I miss it tho. I feel like now i'm one or the other. What happened to my inbetween? that was my comfort. My dysphoric mind returns to me, and it is now..that I realize it wasn't there in the past.

Alone. I'm alone. Why couldn't this happen when I was among friends? Now i'm among strangers

This is more of a rant to self than anything other....

I am NOT one of the girls!

Day 1 of 2 for spike travel

It becomes more blatantly obvious to myself where i'm begining to stand on the gender spectrum. It's not that I don't appreciate what they do, its not that I don't like what they do. They're behaviours and such. Hell i'd be lying if i said I didn't share some of these behaviours with them. But it's so uncomfortable. I keep trying to figure it out... what is more uncomfortable?? That I can't relate to them even if I try, that even when I try I still lie on the outskirts of both spectrums or that I do relate to them and it shows that i'm more of both and neither. I am so confused. I am so lost. I am so scared. I have been feeling this need, this urge to find my place. I don't have anyone to talk to thus... this is my only source of output. I stay quiet not because I have nothing to say, but because I am so afraid of what you might say...

NCCC vs Myself

Ahh yes... A new beginning which I thought would make things so much easier appears to be doing the exact opposite. I entered what appears to be a new world isolated in its own vicinity. I expecting things to be like they were in college. I have my group of friends and they accept me and if they don't it's whatever. But now i'm in this place where these 12 individuals (my team) will be the ones I am spending 80% of my time with. I feel almost ashamed of everything I am. I try so hard to hide it and accept it as part of being here. Doing this though is making everything so UNBEARABLE. Sexism prevails terrible in NCCC and it's not big things that people would protest about, but it's the small things that so many people do on a daily basis that are unnoticable except for those individuals whom don't lie between said binaries

This weekend we depart for a 5 week project. I'm excited. This is what I came here for! but... a lot of times we know what we want to do, and we know it may get difficult but we can do it, but we forget about the other challenges that individuals of non gender comforming identities face. I strive to fit in at this point... not bringing into the light what is really going on with me and how I feel about many of these situations. It frightens me to share such things. I'll just have to see how it all goes.