**Not admitting self-defeat**

So it’s become a thing now; Trying to fight against myself to prove myself right. Although I end up proving myself wrong in the end. My recent dysphoria has caused me to reexamine my values. It’s caused me to rewrite my goals. I don’t understand why though. I don’t understand so much of what has been going on. Why does everything seem to be so simple around me. They wake up, they workout, go to work, come back and sleep. They do the activities they have to do then they play a game or two. The entire time it seems like not one thought crosses their mind. I understand by being in americorps I have put my life on pause. But why does it feel like I am required to pause my mind : /
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disability in transqueer men (or watever) also is a difficult endeavor. This isn’t randomly put in here. It directly relates to me rewriting my goals, reexamining my values. Today I had a wonderful day at work : ) worked for habitat for humanity. But I always felt the need to one-up everyone (as I usually do with anything). I felt the urge to prove my transmasculine identity to myself. No one around me neither knows about nor expects said identity, but I feel that need to be able to tell myself that I am indeed “one of the guys”. Those people around me see it as a strength thing. I must prove that I am stronger than they are. However, to me it is entirely different; More of a power thing. My disability doesn’t help with this at all, but hiding both of these things simultaneously makes it a competition against myself. I "need" to be a stronger individual and accomplish all of what the other guys can, but at the same time I am EXTREMELY limited compared to them. I am just as strong but ... I guess this is just a competition for myself in all honesty. I can do a lot more than most of the females here, but I can't work as long. I wish there was something I can do. Everyone around me is getting angry and frustrated at me. They think i'm just lazy. I wish I could say something.

**Not admitting self-defeat**