I seem to be getting to a point where speaking in my female voice seems to be getting unfamiliar. . Like when you hear a recording of someone and don't recognize the voice. When I look at the mirror and I see a female, I don't see myself, I see someone unfamiliar looking back. I've never been uncomfortable of my female self. Sometimes I don't mind her. Sometimes its ok. But right now, its not. Right now I want to be a guy and that’s it. I want Lesly to go away. I know I'm not transgender FTM to the entire extent. I know that if I was to transition I would regret it when female me decides to reemerge. But there are some times when I just can't take it. There are some times when I just lay here and cry. Why is this so unbearable? And why is it that I feel like no one is here for me? I want to see a gender therapist I do… but for financial(as long as other reasons) I won't be able to until April. I know its not far. We're in March here soon, but time seems to be going so slow. I take a deep breath and deal with this. It's my problem right? Its mine to deal with. I don't really want to get the other people in my life involved with this because I'm afraid I'll push them away. My identifying as bigender has already pushed one of the most important people in my life away a bit. I'm afraid to push her more, and I'm afraid to push everyone else.